Tag Archives: parenting

I am Spa Mum

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​Saturday.

So far, So FML.
Today, I cleaned.  After a week of Midterm Break where I, as fecking usual, ended up dosed to the eyeballs with babies also dosed to the eyeballs, the pit that is S-Mumble Hill needed some serious detoxification. 


Princess goes for her morning nap.  Mini-Me gets plonked in front of the Tellybox…(RTE Junior… I’m not able for Christmas adverts this morning!). S-Mum COULD pour a coffee and try to catch up on that Doll on the Train, but noooooooo.  S-Mum starts to clean. 

And as she cleans, she realises just how fucking DISGUSTING the house actually is.  There’s nothing like cleaning one surface to show you just how MINGING the other surfaces are.  So as I clean and scrub and wipe, I’m making mental notes of all of the jobs that need done…you know, at midterm.
THEN, I open the cleaning cupboard under the sink, you remember the one that The Him locked with Alcatraz style childlocks a few weeks ago? Yeah, the one with all of my lovely BLEACH and carpet cleaners and such dangerously Fablis magic potions that must be kept away from Minions, and apparently Mammy because she can’t work the fecking lock thing… and what do I see sitting pretty IN MY CLEANING PRODUCT CUPBOARD???
MICE DROPPINGS.
Yes.  

Fucking mice droppings.
Because the little shit that we THOUGHT we’d gotten rid of last weekend, apparently hasn’t disappeared, and suddenly Mini-Me’s dramatic mumblings about seeing “da wee meece wunning under the cooker” at 7am doesnt seem quite so ridiculous.
So yes.

S-Mum has reached new level of BAT SHIT CRAZY today.  I have BLEACHED EVERY SURFACE and disinfected everything in the house. I FINALLY washed the MAC Foundation out of the cream carpet… (yes I KNOW that happenend ten days ago. THAT is how UNTOGETHER this MammaBear’s shot is this past few weeks.)

And now?
Now, I’m ranting at you lot as I wait for the floors to dry and watching the clock as I drink a coffee, because in approximately 15 minutes, when Daddy Dude walks in that door, I am OUT it as fast as my bleach sparked pumps will carry me.
And guess where I’m going?
I’m taking myself off to a SPA.
YES.  A SPA.

A place of tranquility and smelly stuff and quiet.
Where there are NO minions and where thereare no mouses.
Where a lovely lady will squeeze my shitty spotty dried-out skin and batter the shoulders off me and then let me soak IN PEACE in a big bath of seaweed or some other such stuff.
I don’t particularly give a continental shite WHAT she does to me.

As long as I dont have to clean said bath, I’m pretty much good for ANYTHING today.
I’m just going.
On MY OWN…YES.  I have FINALLY rwached that stage of Mammyhood wherw I am a happy big saddo who is quite happy to NOT have company for a few hours.


And as I hand The Him his children, and grunt at him that “Yes, she needs fed, no there’s nothing in the fridge and yesm it is indeed true that I shall not be returning u til Him and The Bloke have managed to rid the house of the fucking mouse/s, I shall kiss him goodbye and add “Oh and she hasn’t poonamied today! Enjoy.”
Over and out Bitcheepooos.

This Mamma is done today.
I shall return a new woman, with marginally less rage and a little less swearing.

Maybe.

😈

I am She’s on the phone Mum

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​”I’m just on da phone Mammy”

“OK Darling.”
I carried on cooking dinner, laughing to myself as she chittered and chattered away on the phone.  She rang her old preschool teacher and had a very convincing one way conversation that went like this…
“Hi Macewa. S’me.  Hi. Yeah. Scuse me Macewa, it’s me here.  I need to speak to Danyel. No not my sister Danyel, ypir kid Danyel.  Yeah..yeah.. no…no.”  Pausing at the proper times and everything.
It was about 100 on the adorascale.
Then, a few minutes later, she announced,

“Scuse me Mammy. I’m just talking to Gwanny Mum, can you pweeeeease be quiet?”

“Ok pet.  You chat to Granny.”
I battered on in the kitchen.  She was sitting on the window sill on the other side of the room having another conversation with Granny apparently.
“You see we took down the Halloween Decorations cos it’s Christmas and now we have to get ready for Santa and I didn’t get to see da fireworks but I did go Twickatweeting and can I come to your house for a sweepover later? Oh Ok Gwanny.  See ya! Byebyebyebyebyebye”
“You finished talking to Granny?” 

“Yup!” And off she went on her next imaginary adventure.
“Wee dote” thinks S-Mum to herself, wondering where on Earth she EVER got the Byebyebyebyebyebye. 😂
Fast forward a few hours.

“Gwanny” calls.
We chat about the funeral she’d been at.  We talk about Princess’s nasty cold.  We talk about going wallpaper shopping on Friday.  She says she’ll call for a cuppa later. 

Pretty normal.
And then she asks “Did Mini-Me hang up properly that time?”
Sorry WHAT NOW?😲😲😲
“What you mean Mum?”

“After she called me earlier? Did she hang up afterwards?”
Hole…eeeeeeee shit.  😲😲😲
The little rascal had apparently called Gwanny after all, and had a full conversation with her. 

When Granny asked her if Mummy knew that she was on the phone, her answer was “I’m just talking to Gwanny Mum, can you pweeeeease be quiet?”

And of course, Gwanny heard me answer “Ok darling. You chat to Granny” so obviously assumed that I’d dialed her number for her to have a wee chat.
Oh how Mummy laughed.  

And Oh how Granny laughed.

And THEN, Mummy started to replay the conversation and the PANIC of “JEEEEESUS what were we saying?” set in! Thankfully, all poor Gwanny heard was my bad singing as I cooked.
But I’ll tell ya.

The phone shall be locked from now on, or at least when she’s “playing” with it, we’ll be checking if she’s ACTUALLY playing.
Couldn’t watch her! 😂😂😂

I am Secrets of S-Mum 

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​Want to know the Secrets of S-Mum?

Well.

The secret is…

that THERE IS NO SECRET!
There IS NO MAGIC PILL that turns you into Mary of the Poppins.

Most days, I’m so FAR from being a perfect parent that I fear that even my kids have their Crap more together than I do.
Like EVERYTHING, there is no quick fix. There is no magic spell.
There is no manual.  

(Well OK… there are parenting guides and books obviously, but when “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” omitted the line “You’re going to push a water melon through your ladybits and realise that you’ll have NO idea WTF you’re doing EVER AGAIN”, it lost credibility in my eyes.) 
But there is ONE TRICK…
Knowing to ask for help and knowing where to find the CORRECT information from the RIGHT people is key.
There ARE a huge amount of resources and services and businesses right here in Donegal that are available to us S-Mums and Dads, and we often don’t even know where to look for them.
So while I can’t give you the Secret to being an S-Mum, I CAN put so many Information services, Businesses and Experts into the BIGGEST hotel in town, that the walls are throbbing like a wee heartbeat in the doppler yoke!
I am bringing almost 50, (YES 50!) Qualified Professionals, Experts and Services to Bump & Beyond.  

We have EVERYTHING covered: from fashion to fitness, pregnancy to potty training, Sensory Play to SLEEP…
We have a FULL line up of ENTERTAINMENT from LOCAL TALENT, EXPERT SPEAKERS, INTERVIEWS with the Professionals and FASHION SHOWS! 
You’ll be able to SHOP from dozens of AMAZING Pregnancy and Baby Business, with NEW LOCAL MOMPRENEURS launching on the day.

Our Princesses and Superheros are returning (with a VERY special performance by a certain Princess…) and there’ll be a Kids’ Corner and Facepainting.
We’ll also have Baby Yoga Demonstrations and the “Paparazzi” will be there snapping your little Halloween Ghouls and Goblins as they haunt the hall.
The most renowned Midwife in town, Geraldine Hanley, shall be there to answer your questions and Fitness Expert Emmet Rushe from Rushe Fitness will be addressing post pregnancy fitness.
Parent Hub, Parent Stop, Citizens’ Advice and The Women’s Centre (to name but a handful!) will be there to guide you through the vast range of services available to parents locally…
The first 50 Mummies to arrive will receive a FABLIS Goodie Bag and the exhibitors are running amazing offers on the day.
AND I am giving you the BEST gift ever… An opportunity to listen to and speak to the HUGELY ACCLAIMED and sought after Sleep and Behaviour Therapist Mrs DENISE GILLESPIE!
And seriously Ladybelles, this is only a fraction of what is planned for the day.  Keep an eye on Bump & Beyond for more details this week.
So, No.

I don’t have the answers.  I don’t have all the information. I don’t have any magic tricks or capsules…but I CAN put as many people WHO DO under one roof.
I AM simply a Mammy who struggles in the same way that EVERY other parent struggles, (I just happen to like a challenge and to be quite OK at organising small and subtle and quiet events.)
So please do come along next Sunday.
Hit the Likey button if you see this and feel free to invite anyone who might be interested in the comments section below.


I’m looking forward to seeing you all Ladybelles.

Lots of love xx

I am She’s way too clever Mum

Posted in blog, children, family, parenting by

​”Mammy is my tongue black?”
Somewhere along the last few days, someone has imparted this gem of information to my Minion.

And while this crap might have worked on US as kids, the minions have evolved. 

They are FAR beyond old wives’ tales or legends. 
Gone are the days of believing EVERYTHING you’re told, and being too terrified that there might be a LITTLE bit of truth in it, to even ATTEMPT whatever crime you’d been told would turn your tongue black, or freeze your face or make your nose fall off.
No.

Nowadays, children are WAAAAAY too clever.

Or maybe the word I’m looking for is “manipulative”?
Mini-Me was rambling about her day in the back of the car.

I had listened for the first 6 minutes and then successfully responded appropriately enough in the correct pauses for her to think I was listening for another 5.
Then she announced “and we went to the match with Michael Murphy and I won you know?”

(Obviously it was the excitement of her tone and my FABLIS Mammying skills that brought my attention back to where it should have been… NOTHING to do with the mention of Thor. 😂)
“Did you REEEEEALLY?” I asked laughing.

“Yup! And then we got back on the bus and came to school so you could collect me. I’m not lying Mammy honest.”

“Mmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm!”

” Sewiously Mammy! Look! Is my tongue black?”
We were stopped at a traffic light by now, so I turned around to see her sticking her tongue out as far as she could.
“Why are you asking that?”

“Ith my tongue bwach Mammy?” ( tongue still out!)

“No. It’s not black Darling.”

“See!” (Smug little toot.) “My tongue isn’t bwack so I AAAAM telling the twoof.”
I continue driving, and she continues rambling about playing football wif Michael-of-the-Murphy.
And I laugh to myself.
Because, while I remember being TERRIFIED that my tongue would ACTUALLY turn black, or that an apple tree would ACTUALLY grow in my tummy if I swallowed the pips, MINI-ME is able to TWIST the old fable to use as substantiation and verification of her “Twoofs”.
I may give up now Lads.

She’s not even 5 and she’s two steps ahead of me.

And I may look forward to her graduation from Law school, because I have a feeling she is going to make a damn fine legal type.
So what were the stories (threats) you were afraid of as a kiddy? 

Posted in blog, children, toddlers by

​The Him 👤 has childproofed the kitchen.
Isn’t Him clever?
Princess can no longer pull open the cupboards or potentially hurt her little self with dangerous kitcheny things.💖
Princess is intelligent but not so intelligent that she can figure out the clever clips from Clevamamma.


Princess is a little bit safer now.😍😍
So is Mammy.
Mammy too is a little bit safer now.😐
Because Mammy is not quite intelligent enough to figure out the bloody clips either and so now Mammy also can no longer open ANY of the kitchen cupboards.
Mammy is only able to open the one cupboard that The Him left Clevasafe clip free, but that cupboard is full of tupperware and lunchboxes and other useless, but safe-for-her-to-play-with crap, that Mammy really COULD dump because she NEVER uses anyway.
So today, because Mammy’s kitschen is now babyproofed AND Mammyproofed, everyone will be eating the VERY limited contents of the FRIDGE and they’ll be eating out of tupperware and lunchboxes! 😂😂
😘😘😘