This Mammy loves hugs and squeezes and little chubby fingers on her skin. Mammy loves kisses and Eskinosies and the feel of Mini-Me’s arms crawling around her neck for a hug. Mammy is aware that when you become a Mammy, you are going to be touched, a LOT. But Mammy is still, 5 and a half years on, not ready for the CONSTANT touching.
It’s 24/7. It’s mostly lovely, but JESUS, there are times when Mammy just wants to NOT be touched, even for a little while.
LIke, a half an hour.
Now, there is no harm in the Touching. It is usually quite acceptable and welcome. In fact, if we delve into the minds of the TOUCHERS in the house, it is clear that the touching is a sign (usually) of love and affection and it is important for affirmation of love and all that jazz, but sometimes, Mammy considers pretending to have Scabies, just so that everyone will piss away off for 20 minutes and stop TOUCHING her!
The Wobbler thinks:
Oh! There is Mammy. I will touch her. I will swing off her legs while she walks. I will stand on her feet while she cooks. I will sit on her head while she snoozes. I will sit on her knee instead of on my chair. I will sit on her chair along with her. I will hold on to her hand so hard that if she tries to sneak away as I fall asleep, I will know. I will insist on being lifted when I see her standing with nothing to do. I will make special effort to ensure that if her tellyphoney rings, she will not forget that I am here, because I will tug at her leg until she lifts me and then I will rub her face. I will stick my finger in her mouth. I will stick my finger up her nose. I will shove my finger in her ear. Oh Lookit. Mammy is on the sofa. That is my sofa. I will sit on her head. I will stick my hand down into Mammy’s bra to find the dodee that I didn’t hide there earlier. I will touch her every time she walks by. I likes to touch Mammy. Mammy is soft and squishee and she smiles when I touches her so that is what I must do. Always. Forever. I am the bestest witto wobbler around.
The 5 year old thinks:
I will ignore Mammy until I notice little sister sitting on her, and then I too will sit on her. I will make sure she doesn’t feel lonely while she pees. I will look after her while she showers. I will remember to ask her EVERYTHING when she is trying to talk to Granny on the phone. I will ignore her in the coffee shop until her friend sits down to talk to her. Oh Look! Mammy has sat at the the table. I must sit on her knee to make sure she doesn’t drink all of the coffee. It is bad for her.
I will hug Mammy’s armpit. I will stick my fingers in her armpit. For some reason, I like armpits. I must keep touching Mammy so that she doesn’t forget my existence for 3 minutes. She must be touched as often as possible.
Mammy’s minions go to bed and Mammy wonders what feels so strange. Is it the silence? Is it the calm? Is it the peace?
NO. It’s the lack of touching.
Daddy comes home.
Oh look. There is my beautiful wife. She looks extra sexiful in those baggy PJ bottoms and my teeshirt. I’m glad she hasn’t brushed her hair or washed her face today. I like the smell of Bolognese on her face. I have missed her so much that I must touch her everytime she walks past. I will touch her. I will slap her bum every time I pass her.. I will huggle her. Mammy looks lonely there without the girls hanging off of her. I will make her feel better. I will hang off of her. Maybe Mammy would like some hanky panky. She has been here on her own with the kids all day after all. I wonder did the baby hide her dodees in Mammy’s bra today.. Maybe I will check…
Mammy is looking at me with sexy eyes…or maybe those are her I shall hurt you eyes… I can never tell.
“Don’t FUCKING TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEE” screams Mammy.
‘Ok,’ thinks Daddy, ‘not her sexy eyes’. Daddy realises. For some reason, Mammy doesn’t like being touched tonight. She must be hormental.
Actually no. Daddy remembers that this is The Touching Hour.
Mammy needs her Touching Hour every evening. It is like the Witching Hour, only more dark and dangerous. And the chances of further touching depend on the success of the Touching Hour.
‘Where is the chocolate?’ Thinks Daddy. ‘I should sit in the corner here and throw chocolate at her until she calms down’. Clever Daddy. “Will I make you a cup of tea?” asks Daddy. Mammy snarls at him. Daddy pours her a glass of wine. Clever Daddy. “Here you are Darling” he says, trying not to touch her.
Mammy sips her wine, remembering a time when she used to pay people to touch her; When it was relaxing to have hands all over her in a smellified dark room in a spa or salon. She would love to go for a massage, but that would mean someone else touching her and at this moment in time, that might make Mammy hurt someone.
She looks at Daddy, who used to be the only person who touched her. He is so lovely, she thinks. He has a very nice bum.
After a while, Mammy walks past Daddy in the kitchen and slaps his bum. “Yay!” thinks Daddy. The Touching hour is over”, but Daddy lets Mammy pour another glass of grapes before he suggests such.
Daddy is clever.
Mammy sometimes feels like she lives with a squad of fecking Octopus…octopi?
But they are cute little octopi and by the morning, she will be ready for all the touching, all over again.