We’ll it’s a big fat #fml this evening Dollies…😑
You’d think Mammy would have learned years ago, wouldn’t you?
Whatever Twathead notion took me this evening, I decided to venture into Derry AFTER afterschool, after the first full week, after Princess Demonica had not taken a nap at creche…
Wtf is wrong with me?
“Ooooooh let us spend the evening Pottering around the delightfully bright and sensory stimulating shopping centre, being Picture perfect Mummy and Cherubins, giggling and Smiling and skipping through rails of clothes so Mummy can teach you the joys of shopping and girly time and #makingfuckingmemories!” sang Twathead Mammy as she parked the car.
‘I think not Wench’ thought Demonica, deciding there and then that Mammy would be punished for abandoning her in the Wonderful, colourful, loving and nurturing childcare facility while she dares to go to work-work to do her other job.
And so, within 40 minutes, she had thrown pitch perfect Screaming fits outside no less than FOUR shops, lay down on TWO floors, sat happily while eating the desperation bribe chocolate Twathead bought, before Screaming so Loudly in Marks-of-the-spensive that three old women tutted in sympathy, (for her or me? Fuck knows) and one old man pretended to scratch his ear…but Mammy suspects he was turning down his hearing aid.
To top it all off, she hit a man on the arse.
In the queue at the checkout, she lifted her hand, hit the man in front of us a (gentle but still) slap on the jeaned bottom and then announced “Him’s got da same jeams as YOU Mammy!” before continuing to drink the £87 bottle of fecking water that she had opened before I saw her lifting it.
THANKFULLY, Mr Levi was a very lovely Grandad type who laughed it off.
But dear SWEET Jesus and the Rabid Donkey, had the ground opened, I’d have leapt into it, jeans first.
Home we came. Daddy’s car was in the street.
“Yay!! Daddy’s HOME!” squealed the Minions.
“Yay! Daddy’s HOME!” thought the Mammy… before depositing them in the house, shouting “TAG, YOURE IT” and driving straight back out the gate to MY Mammy’s house for a cuppa.😂🤣
Did I get anything in Derry?
A sore head, 2 chocolate bars and…absolutely mortified. 🙄
Tis wine o’ the clock Bitcheepoos.
How was YOUR day?
10 things I thought before I had kids:
1. I shall never shout at my child: Oh you will you know. Actually, it’s more a case of shouting at yourself really, because if you are having to shout at all, chances are that you’ve reached that wonderful stage where the little minions have decided to ignore every single fricken word you say, until you are screaming it at the top of your lungs like a mad woman. And do you know what else? Even THEN, they’ll probably not listen to you.
2. I shall love my child unconditionally always. Yes, indeed. But that doesn’t mean that you have to LIKE them unconditionally or always.
3. I will never have to deal with a tantrum in a shop: Oh yes you will. The 30 seconds of your Minion’s meltdown will feel like an HOUR and even though no one is looking at you, you will feel like the entire shop has stopped specifically to watch your little Hell Demon throw his strop. You will burn a new shade of crimson that you never even considered possible, and you will discover dexterity and wrestling skills that you didn’t know you possessed as you wrangle the wriggler out the door. And yes, you will growl through gritted teeth and swear that you’ll NEVER leave the house again.
4. I will only feed them healthy, nutritious, organic home-cooked meals: For the most part, we all manage this one, most of the time…mostly. But trust me, Freezer Fridays are a thing and Leftovers are a blessing in disguise. I write my weekly meal planner on the fridge most Sundays. At the beginning of the week, it makes me feel like I’m the bestest Mammy ever. By Friday, it reminds me of just how hilarious I can be sometimes.😂 But hey! They get fed don’t they? Most days.
5. I will never be manipulated by a toddler: Yes, yes you will. And even when you are using the bribery and blackmail (that you swore you’d never resort to), you’re still being manipulated by the minion. And this is not reserved for toddlers. Signs of parental manipulation can appear as early as Day 3 of your baby’s life, when they learn that if they make a certain noise, you’ll react. And it never ends. Our kids manipulate us forever… My Daddy loves me most you know. 😉😉
6. I will bath them every night: Ok, some parents DO manage this one. If you are a Daily bathermum, I salute you and am in awe. I NEVER got into this habit. There are 3 reasons that mine get bathed.
A) It’s the weekend
B) They’re so rotten that I have no choice but to wash them if I want to keep up the facade that I have my shit together.
C) In the event of a Poonami or a Pukenado.
7. I will never swear in front of my children: Yeah, good luck with that one. 😂 Try not to swear AT your children. That should be reserved for special occasions, but swear in front of them, you shall. And do you know when you’ll realise it? When they repeat what you’ve said at full volume in front of the WRONG person, you know, like the local priest or the PHN, or the School Principal, or…a Sanctimammy. And sometimes, as mortified as you are, you’ll be slightly proud that they have used the expletive in the correct context.
8.No other child is as special as mine: This one is true. My children are the most special in the world…to me. 💖💖
9.Being a parent can’t be that hard. Everyone does it: hahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahah. Yes, everyone does it. And most of those everyones at SOME point wonder WHY they did!
10. I will never turn into THAT Mammy: Oh my Darling. Yes. Yes you will. Every one of us has an inbuilt ability to be THAT Mammy. You’ll surprise yourself.
I’m sure you could add your own Ladybelles xxx
It’s that time of year again when I ask you all to help me out.
The S-Mum Blog is in the running for “Maternity and Infant’s Best Parenting Blog Award” again this year.
Last year I made it (thanks to you lot) to the TOP TEN and I got to meet some of the loveliest people ever. 😍
And so I ask that if you like my blog and my posts and the general nonsense that I spout; if I make you laugh, or sob a little, or just feel a bit normal; please please please take two seconds to hit the link and throw me a wee vote.
You can VOTE HERE. (No registration or nonsense required!)
If you don’t like it, then I wonder why you’ve read this far, and I’ll still ask you to vote. Sure why not? 😋
The competition is FIERCE this year, but I know that my lovely readers will help me out. 😍
It’d be great to get a wee Donegal Mammy to the final again! You’re an incredible bunch and I do appreciate every like and heart and comment, so I truly would love you all even more if you could give me a click. 😋
You can do it here… http://bit.ly/VoteforMammy
And if you might be happy to share this for me, I’ll love you forever.