A – Z of Mammyhood
There aren’t enough letters in the alphabet for the crap we need to know to parent.
A – AIM. Think of the Aims you have for the perfect rearing of your little cherub, and then lower them. considerably.
B – BABIES – Babies are class. Little chubby, fuzzy cherubs of talcy snuggles. They’re wee love bombs. And the fact that you can suddenly love this little person to infinity having only just set eyes on them, is phenomenal. And then when they arrive, we wonder if they’ll ever do anything other than sleep, eat and poo. Yup. That’s it. Boring little buggers really. But just wait and enjoy this stage, because you’ll soon have the smiles. And the smiles are fab… and then begins the EVERYTHING ELSE and you’ll soon be wishing that they were tiny and boring again.
C – C-SECTION – Not the easy way out that so many Sanctimammies like to paint it. Sections are adding fullblown surgery to the birth of your baby. You can read what I really think about that here.
D – DADDIES – Daddies are great. Now granted, many will disagree with me on this. And each circumstance is different. But many Daddies are just as excited and wonderful and hands on as Mammies. They don’t carry the baby. They don’t give birth. THEY DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAND! But Mammy, guess what? THAT’S NOT THEIR FAULT. If they are with you and willing to do what they should be doing, let them. And don’t let people refer to them as “babysitting”. Do YOU babysit your kids? No? Well why would Dad? They’re his kids too. (And if you and Dad, for whatever reason, aren’t together and hate each other, just remember that the kids are still his kids and that he still has a right to be their Dad.) And if you ARE together and very happy, just remember that wanting to kill him in the middle of the night because he doesn’t hear the babylink again, is perfectly acceptable.
E – EVERYONE – Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice for you. Everyone has their way of doing things. But remember, opinions are not facts. And everyone else can sometimes piss off. Go with your gut. Do what’s right for YOU and your family. And forget about EVERYONE else. If they’re not within your four walls, feck them.
F – FEEDING – Ooooooh… Is she going to go there? Eh yes. I am. I have already. I’m clear about this. You feed YOUR baby HOWEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! Breastfeeding is of course wonderful and natural, but it isn’t for everyone. And if, for whatever reason, you can’t (or don’t want to) breastfeed, that IS YOUR BUSINESS and no one else’s. And before anyone starts lecturing me on this, let me save your energy and tell you that once again, YOUR opinion is none of my business, so take it somewhere else. As long as Baby is getting fed, that is all that really matters.
G – GRANDPARENTS – Grandparents are WICKED. If your kids are lucky enough to be able to spend time with Grandparents, let them. But let me give you the heads up. Your children’s behaviour with you, and your children’s behaviour with Granny or Granda are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! Usually, they turn into starved, unloved, neglected and abused little feckers the second a Grandparent is within sniffing distance. But that’s not Granny’s fault. It’s nature. It’s just not written in the baby books, but trust me. It’s like a baby law or something… They all know it and they all abide by it. Until they’re approximately 37 years old I’m told!
H – HOUSEWORK – Yeah. Who has time for that craic? Your house will forever more amen be clattered with crap. Yes, we should try to keep it clean. Yes, finding a routine that works for you is great. (Mine is my Thursday night blitz. Works for me!) But no, your house will never again be the picture perfect show home that it might once have been. Think of the dirt and smudges and handprints as your “layer of love”. I’m not saying to let your home fall apart, but bring your standards down a bit and life will become easier. No one cares if your skirting boards haven’t been dusted since 2014.
I – IGNORED – You shall be ignored. You shall feel ignored. Children love to ignore their parents. Again, this usually lasts until they’re about 25 when they realise that ACTUALLY, you were right about most things.
J – JUMBO KNICKERS – Oh the JOY of the jumbo knickers. Those of you who are packing hospital bags and reading the shitlists of what you NEED to bring, should know that where it says “Disposable underwear”, it SHOULD say “BUY THE BIGGEST BLACKEST CHEAPEST KNICKERS YOU CAN FIND AND DUMP THEM AS YOU CHANGE THEM”. Your ladybits have been through enough Mammy. Paper knickers are pushing it.
K – KICKS – Aaaaaaah the kicks. What all pregnant Mammies long for and enjoy. The cause of excitement and smiles. The cause of heartburn and rib pain! But ultimately, how our little bean communicates with us in our bellies. Don’t worry however, these kicks don’t end after pregnancy. NOOOO! They continue well into their childhood. Don’t believe me, try changing the nappy of a wobbler who is throwing a wobbler. And tell me how much you miss those kicks after spending a night with a 3 year old in your bed.
L – LIQUID POO – Self explanatory really. My technical term for this is POONAMI. As the name suggests, this poo comes in a tidal wave which destroys everything in its reach. Nothing can be saved. Vests, socks, clothes… most shall be dumped. Don’t even try to salvage them. And liquid poos are the slimiest, stinkiest and most sudden of them all. The disguise themselves as farts and can swamp an entire car seat in .46 seconds. Sometimes, it takes many grown ups to deal with the aftermath of a poonami. Enjoy!
M – MAM-ME TIME – The most underestimated necessity of the Mammy. Sometimes referred to as Selfishness or Terrible by the Sanctimammious of society. Ignore them. Mam-me time is vital and can be acquired easier than you think. In a world where let’s face it, we can’t pee on our own for approximately 6 years, we soon learn the importance of getting some time to ourselves. It can be a simple chat on the phone when the kids are in bed. Go for a walk. Go to Aldi on your own. Make time for a yoga or gym class, or just get up an hour earlier than the kids to enjoy that cuppa or read or stretch. Sometimes however, more dramatic Mam-me time is required… a spa trip. An evening out. The Cinema. That hen party you’ve been invited on that you couldn’t POSSIBLY go on. An overnight date night. Whatever it is, take it. You can’t pour from an empty cup Mammy. And you get no medals for trying.
N – NAPPIES – sometimes do not do what they say on the tin. Babies like to wait for a nice clean on before they work their poonami. Also, you NEVER have enough in the house and you should NEVER leave the house without at least 2 in your bag or boot.
O – Oh no you did not... – You did not just eat a cold fishfinger off the plate you are scraping. You did not say “Stop licking the fridge.” You did not just sing the theme tune of Peter Rabbit in the shower. You did not just say “Good boy” to your husband as he handed you the remote. If you want to read more things that you WILL do, here ya go!
P – POO – Big, small, sheepballs, slimy, black, green, gray, brown, sneaky, silent, violent, sticky, honking… sniff that bum. Not sure? Swipe your finger in… Yup. Poo in the nappy. Poo in the bath. Poo on the floor. Conversations about poo. “Good nappies” Being a parent = poo! Lot of it!
Q – QUIET – The quiet and calm that descend on a home as the last child drifts off to sleep is like nothing else on earth. Busy homes and noisy homes. And noise is fab, but you’ll learn to appreciate quiet on a whole new level once you have babies. Enjoy it however, because once they hit the twoublemaker years, quiet becomes suspicious. If they’re not asleep and they’re quiet, be afraid, be very afraid!
R – READING – Nursery rhymes, songs, stories. Get used to them and get your children used to them. Rhymes are everywhere. They go from being soothing and fun to being really quite useful with toddlers. “Clean up, Clean up, everybody everywhere?” (works 78% of the time!) Read to your babies. And yes, that’s the English teacher in me coming out, but I’m right. Make a bedtime story part of your daily routine from day dot. And you should read too. Not just internet forums and blogs, try something grown up and funny. Even a few pages a day helps.
S – SEX – Yes so that’s what got you here in the first place, but it doesn’t go away. We all have different ways of viewing sex. For some, they never want to think about it again. For others, they can’t wait to get back to business. It’s personal. If you’ve had a section, or a particularly traumatic birth, you might need to wait a while before getting back on the job. And it is new. It’s like the first time all over again, because things down there have changed and you might not be in as much control as you used to be of your body parts. But take your time. The first few times after birth, you might feel like you’ll never get back to the way it was. You will. It just takes time.
T – TEETHING – Labour is not the ultimate hell on earth. Teething is. It starts as early as 8 weeks and continues until feck knows when. I have a Princess who is cutting all four eye teeth at once… Try everything. Herbal remedies, gels, frozen teethers, chew toys, cold face cloths… It’s a bitch. But it is a phase and it WILL end.
U – U-turns – Be prepared. You think you’re going one way, you’re not. You are determined to do something, you don’t. “I will only feed my children organic food” becomes “Who wants waffles and fishfingers? “My child shall never have sugar” becomes “JUST GIVE HER THE FUCKING SMARTIES” “I could never leave my child for a night” becomes “Can you keep her for two?” You might have great intentions and if you can stick to them, good for you, but most of us end up doing massive U-Turns and making no apologies for them!
V – VIOLENCE – in many forms. 1. Violent mood swings. One minute, you’re beaming with joy, then a pampers ad has you in hysterics. 2. Violent thoughts as your partner snores beside you as you feed or burp for the 46th time that night. 3. Violent protection – the reaction in you when you think that someone has hurt or upset your child. It’s OK for YOU to scold and shout at them, but someone else does it, and you turn into a Lioness and are planning their slow and painful demise.
Also for VAGINAS – The most magical things in the world. Like Mammies, they can be stretched to the limit and yet spring back practically unscathed.
V is also for VASECTOMY, funnily enough…
W – WASHING – Let the games begin and may the odds be ever in your favour. Actually, the odds are that you shall never again see the bottom of your laundry basket. And you WILL wonder if there are 7 invisible people living in your house that you haven’t met. And you will find things in piles that you forgot you had. And you will wonder if you spend more time with your washing machine than with your partner. (The answer is possibly yes!) And yet, aren’t we #soblessed to have messy litte rascals to wash for?
W is also for Wine.
X – XXX. Babies also bring an endless supply of kisses. From the slabbery ones, to the snottery ones, to the stolen ones. And kisses and hugs and all internet love that I can send to you, one Mammy to another. Because you ARE wonderful. And you ARE doing a great job. If you’re worried about being a good Mammy, you already are one.
Y – YOU. Don’t lose you. It’s easy for me to write that with my baby now 2 and a half. But seriously. You are Mammy, but you are still you. You still have your needs and you still have your skills. And even if you aren’t able to look after them or use them right now, because you are doing the most important job in the world, you must keep them in sight as you will use them again soon. So keep up the hobby. Go back to the art class. Keep writing or making or baking or singing. Whatever it is that makes you you, show your babies and let them see you doing it.
Z – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZS – SLEEP – The Holy fecking grail. For some it is fine. For others it seems to disappear for 7 years. There is no secret or answer. And I have NO idea about it. But I can tell you that a bedtime routine from the start helps. And I must also share with you the poewr of CBeebies. Since Mini-Me was a few weeks old, CBeebies bedtime hour was on in the background. Iggle Piggle and his multicoloured pals sing and dance and then there is a bedtime story and a nice lullaby, before the screen goes blue. To this day, it is how my girls know that it is bedtime. Supper, Jammies, storybook, teeth, bed. Sometimes it works, other times, it doesn’t. Bathtime before bed doesn’t work for me. (They get too wired up.) We also had a side of the bed system. Whoever slept beside the door was on Baby duty during the night. It did help, because we both got some sleep, some nights.
So there! Chripes that was longer than I’d planned, but considering that I could write (and have probably written) posts on all of the above already, I’ve done well I think to keep it to this length!
Have a great weekend!
I am ‘Some things the Baby Books forgot to mention’ Mum
Feel free to sing along!
“Nappies and dodees” should be read/sung to the tune of “Raindrops and Roses” from The Sound of Music.
“Nappies and Dodees and cute little sockies
Big teddies, small teddies, horseys that rockie,
Elephant mobiles that fly on their strings
These are just some of the new baby’s things.
Baskets from Moses and funky shaped pillows
Grufallos, Minnie Mouse, Wind in the Willows,
Breast pumps and bobos and wee plastic pots,
Plastic spoons needed for feeding your tots.
Where’s the dummy?
Close the stairgate.
Get the nappy baaaag.
I simply can’t deal with this amount of stuff
I miss the space that I had.
Cushions and door clips and safety latches
Lift all those candles and hide all the matches
Puke cloths and poop bags and powders and creams,
Lego and Stains on all of your things.
Carseats and carriers, high chairs and bouncers
Moniters, teethers and measures for ounces
Video moniters keep mammy calm
And Daddy’s still learning how to fold up the pram.
Toys toys toys toys
Toys toys toys toys
Did I mention toys?
I simply am listing the simplest of things
We gather for girls…and boys.”
The BS Bibles spout such shite as “Don’t worry! Babies don’t need to take up ALL the space in your home. Dedicate a shelf or drawer in your living room to baby essentials to keep them close at hand. The Baby’s clothes etc should be kept in Baby’s nursery (includes image of pale grey amd white, empty, tidy nursery…) The moses basket should be in a well appointed space, not too close to any radiators or drafty doors/windows. A well organised changing station will help keep the home mess free.”
Where does it prepare us for the explosion of STUFF that ensures that EVERY nook and cranny of your once tidyish home gets covered in Baby? It’s like a giant Baby lifts the roof off your house and projectile VOMITS a load of utter CRAP all over EVERYTHING.
No room escapes and while for the first few weeks you might be able to contain the Baby stuff to a few baskets or to one corner, once they begin to play with toys or move about, the house slowly becomes overwhelmed by toys that seem to reproduce and multiply while we sleep.And just like the list the BS Bibles give you, this is by no means exhaustive.
You will find more crap to add to it and you will wonder why you didn’t take millions of photographs of your lovely fengshuiyed, Cath Kitsonesque, picture perfect home BC to send to ‘House and Home’.
And as for new furniture or carpets?
Don’t bother your arse until they’re old enough to know NOT to write on the cushions with glitter glue.
Absolute wrecking balls. 😂😂😂
The lovely Dan Connolly from Cork mailed me to see if I would like to review his product. Now as my girls are past this and because I don’t do the whole “I’ll review if you pay me to craic”, I declined. So instead he offered to send me 3 sets of these lovely wee teething balls to give away to my followers.
I agreed on the condition that I liked them. If I didn’t, I’d be returning them.
And guess what, I like them. I’m a bit sad actually that I hadn’t found them while Princess was in the hellish horrors of the slabbering and screaming a few months ago. And while she could still get some joy from them, at 2 and a half, she’d more likely to throw them, so I’ve kept her hands away from them.
They’re colourful and the colours are neutral and bright. The material and glue used are food grade silicone and safe to little mouths. The jingle of the little bell is lovely and they are a sensory dream. A beautiful product which would be a wonderful gift for a new parent.
Not only have I got some sets to give away, Dan has kindly reduced the price of them on his amazon page for my blog readers this weekend!
Usually retailing at over €40, they are available to you for £24.95!
This price is only valid from Friday to Sunday Night , for my followers by clicking here here!
This item has been developed by www.babynowbrand.com run by Daniel Connolly from Cork. He is an ecommerce entrepreneur and focuses on selling globally via the amazon.com marketplace.
If you fancy winning a set, hit on my facebook page before 1pm Saturday.
Mammy doesn’t particularly fancy the prospect of having another one herself now, but Mammy still does be smiling when the news of another wrinkly little Squisheeface is announced.
Mammy does be particularly excited when the new babby belongs to someone she knows and cares about.
And while Mammy couldn’t give a continental contraction about the Family Royale in the Brexit state, Mammy couldn’t help but think “Ah nice” when she saw the news on the Twit-feed this morning.
Mammy is glad that Katie and Billy Boy have welcomed another little prince to their family. Lovely. Honestly.
What Mammy doesn’t get however, is where the Media managers of the family Royale are and what they are drinking? Mammy would like to know why the fook they think that the poor woman needs to be paraded around only 4 hours after the birth, dressed to the nines and made up perfectly?
God but she looks stunning in fairness and no, Mammy is not bitter as Mammy is very aware that that is one of “the joys” that Katie signed up to when she sold her soul to the life of the eternal celebrity. And as long as she is happy, good for her.
(Also, Mammy is quite certain that I too probably looked EXACTLY like that 4 hours after the birth of her girls… Because Mammy was so drugged and knackered that she would have believed ANYTHING at that particular moment. I may have reached that level of bloat free and prettiful again by 5 months postpartum!)
Mammy would love to have seen lovely Kate (for she is indeed beautiful) walking out of the Lindybob wing looking happy but knackered, with her hair scraped back from her face and a comfy tracksuit. And flat shoes, for I am sure her Ladybits are crying with every step.
Because then, while I still would have wondered and awed at the fact that she was, you know, STANDING, I would have seen what she is behind the royal BS… A warrior woman who has just brought life into the world and who should be left the feck alone with her lovely wee babby, rather than having to not only parade around outside the wing looking like she was at a Ladies’ Day, but to look perfect while doing it.
I do hope that there are no Mammies looking at her today feeling lesser or inferior to what they are because they weren’t smiling to the world with a blow dry. I hope that no Mammy feels that she was doing something wrong because 4 hours after the birth she was wrestling with sanitary nappies and crying because she was crying and didn’t know why she was crying.
And mostly, I hope that right now, Kate is snuggled up in her baggies, on her sofa, hair up, bra off, cozy with her Hubby, enjoying tea and toast and smiling at her new wee Baby and glad that all of that circus is done with!
Congrats to them. And congrats to all the Mammies who didn’t have a live feed of their hospital wall running on Twitter as her little Prince was getting his crown on!
Do your little minions keep you on your toes?
Mine do. So much so that I might as well dance around in ballet pumps, never mind walking.
While they try to keep me on my toes, half the time I’m actually walking around bare-footed…on lego. I think I’ve sussed them. I think I know them and their tricks. And then they remind me that actually, I have not a clue what I am doing and that I am most certainly NOT in charge in our little home.
Here are the top 5 ways that Mini-Me and Princess are keeping me “dancing” at the minute. But sure hey, who wants boring well-behaved kids eh?
- Silence is… dangerous. Especially if there is more than one minion in your charge. Do not be fooled into thinking that they are playing quietly. If they are quiet, they’re hoping you won’t catch or see them doing what they know they are not supposed to be doing.
2. Hiding is the best fun ever! Especially when they hide behind their fat wee hands, right in front of you and genuinely believe that you can’t see them. However, as they get bigger, hiding becomes a skill. And it becomes quite the pain in the posterier…especially if they decide to play “hiding” just as you are trying to leave the house. Princess is unbelievable at it. She runs down the hall shouting “I Hideeeeeeen”. Her favourites are in the bottom of a wardrobe, happily still in the dark, or standing like a statue behind a curtain. Nightmare. The only way I can find her in a hurry is to make her giggle. (Mammy on the other hand can not hide. ANYWHERE. Don’t waste your time trying. They will find you.)
3. Clean nappies are best for pooing in. Especially when you’re just about to leave the house. Again, if a clean nappy is combined with silence and hiding, you’re getting a hat-trick Mammy.
4. If Mammy cooks it, they will not eat it. If Granny, Aunty, Uncle, Childminder, Binman cooks it, they shall eat it. Also, if, like me you have a child who doesn’t eat a particular food (still no go on the chucken), be warned that they WILL eat it EVERYWHERE ELSE. Just to keep you look deranged and mad when you tell people they don’t like a certain food.
5. Crying is reserved for Mammy. A child can bump her knee at 10am and be brave. When you arrive at 5pm, they will cry about it. A child can be as good as gold all day. Once you enter another house or indeed, once someone else walks into your house, they will begin to act like demonic dictators just to remind you that they are indeed the Boss of the whole wide world. And to maintain your outside-the-house-persona as the Mammy-who-is-always-scolding.
Otherwise, all is perfect and all is right with the world. I hope you all got lots of eggs and that the little faces are covered in chocolate. Bring on the sugar rush and crashes this evening eh? And don’t forget to put some egg in the fridge to have when they go to bed tonight! Goes well with grapes they tell me. 🙂
What is your little one’s trick of the month?
Speaking of choice…
“Mumpty Mumpty sat on the wall,
Mumpty Mumpty had a great fall…
All the Queen’s buddies and all the Queen’s men,
Couldn’t put Mumpty together again.”
Mammies face a wall.
And boy it’s a big wall.
It’s huge. It’s long. It’s terrifying to sit atop because it’s so high. It’s divided Mammies for years and a much as we campaign and try to promote awareness about the wall, it only seems to be getting higher. The Mammies on each side of this wall think they’re better than the Mammies on the other side. And the Mammies still sitting on top of the wall are generally terrified because not only do they not know which side to jump off, but most of them know that regardless of which side they choose, they’ll be judged.
And the worst thing about this wall which divides Mammies?
We built it ourselves.
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From Mammy on Mother’s Day
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
I love you each second of every day
And even when sometimes I grumble and scold
I hope that you know that even if you’re being bold,
I trust you, I get you, I love you so much
I’ve loved you since the minute I first felt your touch,
(Whether at birth or first meeting, It matters not how
I became your Mammy, I’m your Mammy now.)
My total existence revolves around you;
Your growth and your wellness, everything that you do.
I’m thinking about you, awake and asleep
And even if I’m not with you, please know that I keep
you so close in my heart and always on my mind.
You’re my reason for living, the reason I find
to get up on the mornings where there’s been no sleeping
to keep smiling and going, when I just feel like weeping.
But always, no matter how much I may struggle
The world can be fixed with just one little “cuggle”.
When I look at you sleeping, so pure and calm,
I love you with everything that I am.
I’ll push you, protect you and help you to grow,
I’ll make sure you know all the things you should know.
I’ll keep you as safe as I possibly can
I’ll make sure you know just how proud that I am
To be raising a child who’s so brilliant and clever
and to be your wee Mammy, forever and ever.
So how do I love you, let me count the ways.
Every day Darling, not just on Mother’s Day.”
To Mammy on Mother’s Day
How to I love thee, well count I cannot,
But I don’t need my numbers to tell you a lot.
I love you for reasons that do not need words,
For the fact that you’re mine since I came to this world.
Because you love me every day and each night,
When I’m being my best, or I’m giving you frights
I know that you sometimes are worried and scared
But you don’t let me see that, You’re too busy being there
When I need you for playtime or stories or songs,
When I call in the night, and you carry me long,
long into the hours where we should be asleep,
When I hide from the monsters or cry or hurt deep.
When I eat all my dindins or throw it you
When I giggle and cry, when you’re covered in poo.
It really doesn’t matter what I do or I say,
You are my Mammy and I’ll simply love you always.
Much love to all the Mammies of any Babbies, all over the world.
The S-Mum xxxx