Is there anything more frustrating than jars?
You know jars?
With Screw top lids?
“Oh, S-Mum, you are being ridonkulous and melodramaria now. HOW can you be frustrated by a jam jar, you silly woman?” I hear you scoff.
And usually, I would agree, but tonight, if YOU had witnessed the EPIC meltdown offered by my Princess because S-Mum here couldn’t get a FECKING JAR OPEN, you would not be scoffing. You would be popping to the shop to buy me grapes.
“You want toast Princess of mine?”
“Mmmmhmmmm” she nods.
“Mammy get you toast now.”
“Mmmmmhmmmmmm” she says, wobbling her fat little arse to the fridge, where she stands grunting at it and at me until I open it.
“Will we get out the butter, my cherished cherub?”
“Mmmmmhmmmmmmm” she nods, reacing for the jar of jam from the fridge door.
“You want jam on your toast?”
“BAAAAAAAAM!” she squeals, dancing her happy nappy dance…
“Mammy get you jam surely pet.”
Except she won’t.
Because this Jam jar has not yet been opened and it seems that its lid has been welded to the jar by trolls, using their extra special concrete mix, which is completely unmoving regardless of how much you twist, or turn, or grunt or swear.
Mammy was certain of ONE thing after a few minutes.
Mammy was NOT getting the lid of the blasted jar. 😭😭
Now, let it be known, that I am a stubborn sort of Ladybelle. I am not beyond smashing a jar (or bottle) with a hammer to get at the contents, but considering that Princess was SCREAMING “BAAAAAAAAAAAM” at me, whilst swinging off my legs, and considering that smashing things would NOT be best parenting practise, I opted to control my temper and distract her.
I was unsuccessful.
She screamed for approximately 13 minutes, before instantly calming herself down when she heard the opening notes of In the Shite Garden and toddling over to chat to Macka Feckin Packa, leaving Mammy a sweaty, traumatised mess in the kitchen.
Did I threaten to hurt the Jam Jar? Did I promise to smash the fecker off the back step after she’d gone to bed?
Of course not. That would be mental…
It is sitting on the counter awaiting The Him and his Manliful Muscles to come home. He’ll pick it up, twist it like a milk bottle and tut at me for being such a girl.
He too shall struggle with the fecking thing and I will regain a molecule of my sanity, laughing at him.
It HAS to be Grape o’clock already no?
How was your day?
One thought on “I am Screw-top Lid Mum”
Fair to middling. You need to hit those weights at the gym
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