One must shave one’s legs. Not just to the knee. The WHOLE way up…
One must sort out foofaa. Not just front foofaa. ALL the Foofaa.
One must wear appropriate knickers. Comfy, not slutty. Pretty but not Bridget…
One might even vajazzle. Is that still a thing? Was it EVER a thing?
One must paint toenails. When did one last paint toenails? 1998 by the look of them…
One should seriously consider a quick fake tan… must transform one’s corned beef trunks into radiant stalks of shimmering silkiness while singing “AAAA’m yo Venus, Aaaa’m yo fiya…Yo desiya!”
*Not mine
Why?
Has one a hot date? Is Him whisking one off for a night of sizzling passionista and frolicking? Is The Him in luck? Has one been overexcited by the little splash of sunshine we’ve been treated to this week? Has one lost her fecking mind?
No. But one does have an appointment with one’s Nurse for a lovely Smear test and so OBVIOUSLY one must be ready no?
No?
Why? Do you mean to tell me that one’s Nurse is NOT going to judge the stubble on one’s legs or the length of the foofaa carpet or the dotted grayness of one’s cellulitically fablis thighs?
Is there NOT a section on her paper work, underneath “Try not to fuck it up this time you shower of useless incompetent Gobshites”, that she must tick to state the state of one’s state on a scale of “Meh to WTF?”
Does she not have daily moments of “What a fablis Foofaa specimin this one is!” to write into her diary and to tell her Nursey friends about at the Nurses’ Conventions over Pimms?
You MEAN that one’s Nurse doesn’t give a continental FUCK about the state or shape of a Lady’s Ladybits when one presents oneself for the 30 second swab? That she only thinks “Another one done thanks be to Christ. I hope there’s a caramel digestive in the staffroom at breaktime. Did I switch off the iron? Christ I need a pee…” and such?
You mean she’s not thinking “Oh Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus love go buy a razor. THIS is an unusual one… Christ it’s like an alien. Is it ALIVE? Must change tonight’s dinner choice…”
NO.
Because guess what? Your Nurse doesn’t give a SHITE about the state of your netherregions. She only cares about getting you in the door to make sure that in light of the recent ABOMINATION that is the Smear Scandal, that you are as safe as possible.
So if you’re putting it off, suck it up and get it booked.
It’s not the worst thing in the world is it?
The S-Mum 