How to dress a Twoublemaker.
- Lay out neatly ironed and folded clothing choice.
- Place garments onto child in correct order. Lift thrown and crumpled garments off floor in random order, as thrown.
- Make sure to make “Pop” sounds or other sing-songy nonsense to mark the “Popping” of child’s head through vest/tee/jumper.
- Forget to open buttons to loosen head hole on said garment.
- Spend 3 minutes apologising for being a Silly Mammy while rocking frantically.
- Put child’s socks on their two feet.
- Put on trousers.
- Remove trousers. You forgot that the trousers have to go on first this morning. Silly wench.
- Remove child’s socks.
- Put on trousers.
- Put on child’s socks.
- Let child remove socks.
- Lose the will to live as child now tries to put on the socks again on the opposite feet.
- Put on child’s shoes.
- Note: Do NOT ask child if they want to put their shoes on beforehand. It will not end well.
- Put on child’s shoes. Don’t bother fastening until you hear the compulsory “AOOOOOW!”
- Remove shoe and shake out imaginary stone from shoe.
- Put shoe back on just as it was 2 minutes ago.
- Repeat on other foot.
- Try to brush child’s hair into some sort of “I do not neglect my children I actually rather love the little shits” hairstyle. Use too much conditioning spray and threaten to shave it off. (Under your breath of course.)
- Put child down in order to get yourself ready.
- 3.5 minutes later, return to room fully dressed and ready to leave.
- Put on child’s trousers.
- Look for child’s left socks.
- Give up and grab another pair from drawer.
- Repeat steps 14 – 19.
- Remind self to buy gin.
- Consider googling “IV for Gin” if you ever get to work.
- Change child’s nappy…
- Get child into car, pretend you’ve forgotten something and silent scream in your kitchen for 15 seconds before returning alá fucking Mary-of-the-poppins to car to deposit Twoublemaker to playschool…
- Repeat steps 14 to 19 outside door of playschool…
- Repeat steps 1 – 31 EVERY FUCKING DAY for next 2 years.
Then begins the How to dress a Pre-Tween… but that is a whole other post.
Happy Freezer Friyay Bitchepoos.
Enjoy those Beige dinners! (Almost Grapejuice o’clock…)