We’ll it’s a big fat #fml this evening Dollies…😑
You’d think Mammy would have learned years ago, wouldn’t you?
Whatever Twathead notion took me this evening, I decided to venture into Derry AFTER afterschool, after the first full week, after Princess Demonica had not taken a nap at creche…
Wtf is wrong with me?
“Ooooooh let us spend the evening Pottering around the delightfully bright and sensory stimulating shopping centre, being Picture perfect Mummy and Cherubins, giggling and Smiling and skipping through rails of clothes so Mummy can teach you the joys of shopping and girly time and #makingfuckingmemories!” sang Twathead Mammy as she parked the car.
‘I think not Wench’ thought Demonica, deciding there and then that Mammy would be punished for abandoning her in the Wonderful, colourful, loving and nurturing childcare facility while she dares to go to work-work to do her other job.
And so, within 40 minutes, she had thrown pitch perfect Screaming fits outside no less than FOUR shops, lay down on TWO floors, sat happily while eating the desperation bribe chocolate Twathead bought, before Screaming so Loudly in Marks-of-the-spensive that three old women tutted in sympathy, (for her or me? Fuck knows) and one old man pretended to scratch his ear…but Mammy suspects he was turning down his hearing aid.
To top it all off, she hit a man on the arse.
In the queue at the checkout, she lifted her hand, hit the man in front of us a (gentle but still) slap on the jeaned bottom and then announced “Him’s got da same jeams as YOU Mammy!” before continuing to drink the £87 bottle of fecking water that she had opened before I saw her lifting it.
THANKFULLY, Mr Levi was a very lovely Grandad type who laughed it off.
But dear SWEET Jesus and the Rabid Donkey, had the ground opened, I’d have leapt into it, jeans first.
Home we came. Daddy’s car was in the street.
“Yay!! Daddy’s HOME!” squealed the Minions.
“Yay! Daddy’s HOME!” thought the Mammy… before depositing them in the house, shouting “TAG, YOURE IT” and driving straight back out the gate to MY Mammy’s house for a cuppa.😂🤣
Did I get anything in Derry?
A sore head, 2 chocolate bars and…absolutely mortified. 🙄
Tis wine o’ the clock Bitcheepoos.
How was YOUR day?