This Mammy is full of them.
Oooooooh lookit! Look at the pretty floaty girly dress which would look lovely with heels or flat sandals,
Look at the patterns and colours and floatiness of the gazillion samey dresses in all the shops.
Mammy could pull that off.
Mammy could look as smashing as the Holly of the Willybooby in these dresses.
Mammy could begin to wear patterns even though Mammy knows full well that patterns swallow her up and make her look like a 1970s curtain has puked on her.
Mammy will look boho and chic and funkiful and cool.
Mammy may even try to match it with the white runners that everyone is looking so fablis in all over the instaworld…
And then Mammy TRIES ON one of the summer floaty stunners, and promptly turns into Nora Fuckin Batty.
“That’s GORGEOUS on you!” goos the 11 year old shop, impossibly beautiful assistant, through her perfectly puffed up lips. “You could try it with white runners? They are so in right now!”
(Yeah… they were in when thirty years ago too Lovey, and even then I knew how impractical white runners were. They wouldn’t last a day on me… And I’m pretty sure that if I added them to this get-up, I’d look like my 8 year old self, dressed in handmedowns from my older cousin which hung on me like curtains again too!)
Mammy looks at her unfortunate self in the mirrors, sees her Great Great Great Grandmother staring back at her.
Mammy smiles politely at the shopchild.
“Naw, it’s not really me. Thanks anyway!”
“Really? I think it looks AMAZING on you!”
(Of course you do.)
“I look like Nora Batty.”
“Heeehehehee! I have no idea who that is!”
Of course you don’t… FML
Mammy gets back into her tracksuit, with her NOT white runners, and run-walks out of the shop, wondering if Last of the Summer Wine is on Netflix and if that dress would look better with curlers in my hair.
White ones obviously.
Notions I tell you.
*that dress is beautiful Obviously. On her!