I am Sign Lie Mum

Posted in blog, children, family, parenting by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

The joys of before she can read…
I’ve been hugely impressed by how much Mini-Me has picked up since starting school. Her signature still looks like a roller coaster designed by a drunk Donald Trump, but she’s working on it.
Her reading?

I’m quite happy for it to stay where it is for now, because do you know something?

Once that little Dictator can read, S-Mum is fooooooked. 😐😐😐
Today, we went to Glenveagh National Park.

(It truly is THE most exquisite place in Donegal. If you haven’t been for AGES, GO! We started going over on Sundays last year and are all slightly addicted to the place now.)
My FAVOURITE thing about Glenveagh is that there is ABSOLUTELY NO PHONE COVERAGE!

AND EVEN BETTER…NO interweb access!
That’s right!

Nada!

It’s fricken FABLIS!

And therefore it’s perfect for family catchup time. 👭👤👪💑
Anyway!
I’ve referenced Mini-Me’s broken volume control before.

It’s not broken as such.

I don’t think she has one.

Actually, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have one.
She’s even loud in the wilderness.

Animals run and hide.

No parent has to use the words “Sssssh!” or “Stop shouting!” in a space as vast and HUGE as Glenveagh.

Except us.
Yes. She’s THAT LOUD! 😂😂😂
Generally, as we walk down to the castle, over Troll Bridges and up mountains and onto the LellowBwickWoad, we let her shout away, but when we enter the castle grounds, we have to try to turn the volume down, just a little.

It never works.

It’s like the BIGNESS of the place makes her think we won’t hear her, so she shouts…and shouts…and shouts. And she doesn’t give a crap who hears her.
So reading.

Yes.

Mini-Me can not yet recognise any words other than her name and “Gruffalo”.

And today I realised just how handy it is that she can not yet read.
Today I used the “Sign lie”.

You know what I’m talking about.

Don’t pretend you don’t…

You’ve all done it, admit it. 😈😈😈
As we entered the grounds and I was telling her to “be a little bit more quiet now”, we passed this sign.👇👇👇

And I said “Look! You must be quiet. The sign says so.”
Because, this sign says “No shouting please. Be quiet in the castle gardens.”

Can you see that?

It does doesn’t it? 😂
“OK Mammy.”
And that was it. She actually did stop shouting.

For a few minutes at least.
I was suddenly very aware that my time of having the “sign lie” will end quite soon.

Darn her lovely teacher! 😅

And so, I must use it at every opportunity until it does.
Bad Mammy!
Hope you all had a Stupendous Sunday.

Xxx

30Sep2016

I am Smashed Cup Mum

Posted in blog, children by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

What do you get when you cross a cup and a bin lorry?

Let me tell you a story on this Fablis Friday evening…
Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Princess Mini-Me. One day, OVER a year ago, Granny brought Mini-Me to a pottery cafe.

Mini-Me painted a cup, much like the one in the image below. As Mini-Me was just about to become a Big Sister, they decided that the cup would hereforth be known as “Big Sister cup”.

Cute so far eh?
Mini-Me brought her new cup home and for 3 whole months, the Big Sister Cup sat in the cupboard, where Mini-Me pretty much ignored it, apart from the odd day when she took a notion to ask for it.
Then, one fateful, cursed day, Mini-Me dropped the cup and it smashed into 3 million Smithereens, all over the kitchen floor. Cinderella’s glass slipper didn’t have a look in and THIS fairy Good-GOD-mother, didn’t have a CHANCE of fixing it.
And so the Big Sister Cup went to the big cupboard in the sky. OK, I exaggerate. It went INTO the bin, AWAY in the Bin Lorry and OUT of our minds…

A few months later, it was mentioned again out of the blue.
We drove past a Bin Lorry. She started to shout “Follow THAT BIN LOWEEEEE!” and “BIG SISTER CUP!”

We laughed (Hahahaha!) and hugged her and gently explained, once again, that the cup was BROKEN and it was GONE.

And they all lived happily ever after…

Until this evening.
8 MONTHS LATER…As the Poor Queen S-Mum collected Mini-Me from school, she was summoned by the very lovely teacher, who informed her that Mini-Me had cried for 45 minutes after breaktime. She was VERY upset apparently, and try as she might, Teacher could NOT figure out what had caused the Tootsy One’s meltdown.

“She kept talking about a cup for her sister?” said Teacher.

“Huh?” said S-Mum. (Not a single clue.)

“And something about a bin lorry?”

(Penny drops. Oh. DEAR. GOD…)

“Aaaaaah! Darling, did you see a Bin Lorry at Breaktime?” ventured S-Mum.

“Yush Mammy and I wanted my Big sister cup back…”
Well I won’t go into the verbal diahorrea that began projecting from my mouth to try to explain to Teacher why my Daughter had FALLEN APART at the sight of a bin lorry. 😐😐😐
Because, it’s just too fricken weird and too hilariously ridiculous and is YET another example of how S-Mum may get used to feeling COMPLETE MORTIFICATION AND CONFUSION for the foreseeable future.

It seems to come with the territory.

It should be part of the instructions on the Pregnancy test… “Pee on stick, Wait for line, Get used to being confused about EVERYTHING.” 😂😂
So what do you get when you cross a cup with a bin lorry?
An ABSOLUTE TRAUMA which will continue to cause Mini Meltdowns WELL into the teenage years apparently.
I smell grapes.🍷🍷🍷
Happy Friday Lovelies.💖

Watch out for the Bin Lorries. 😂😂😂

26Sep2016

I am Sometimes I need my Mamma Mum 😚

Posted in blog, children, family by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Sometimes, S-Mum needs her Mamma too. 👭
This evening I HAD TO stay at Mum’s for a few hours after work.
See my driveway was full of lorries and diggers and workmen. It looked like the opening of “Fraggle Rock”, so I was FORCED to pop in to hers for an hour…or three!
She drank tea.🍵

I drank coffee.☕

We ate cake…(Seriously guys, she is THE BEST BAKER in the world. Click onto Cakes by Ann to see!)🍰
She cooked dinner.

Princess rearranged ALL of her cupboards.

Mini-Me provided a moment of immense achievement for Techy-Granny as her demands for Inside-Out caused Granny to figure out how to work the Brother’s Playstation as a DVD player!

I am in AWE of this woman.

I wouldn’t even know where the on switch is.😅
And then, I brought my Minions home and we have just had the most suspiciously calm and ordinary bedtime EVER…
This morning however?
This morning was not so calm.😭😭😭
We slept in.

I had NOTHING DONE before bed last night, because the smug TIT that is S-Mum had planned the usual 5.30am start and didn’t consider ironing uniforms or making lunches before bed. Clever Mummy.
We were running on the dodgy side of late.

I dropped Princess next door, realised I’d forgotten her dummies (not just 1 for my ruined rascal!), jumped back into the car to grab them from the house, spun the car BACK AROUND because of Big Digger SUDDENLY BLOCKING my driveway, ran back into Mum’s, kissed the Baby and apologised profusely for lack of dummies, jumped back in car, remembered I’d forgotten her bibs and FINALLY started on our journey to school…feeling UTTERLY FRICKEN USELESS! 😂
Mini-Me THANKFULLY announced that she wanted Quiet time, so I allowed myself to be soothed back into a more positive vibe with the familiar soothing tones of Donal K on the radio machine…
My train of thought followed this track:

“Snap out of it S-Mum.

You forgot her dummies, not her.

She’ll be fine.

Mum will get one from some magical place and Princess will not even know what a shit Mammy you are.

This is NOT a problem…

I am So Eating the Chocolate Mum

Posted in blog, children, family, parenting, tantrums by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Sweet Jebus.
“Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM.”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?”
Insert random, usually COMPLETELY sporadic and unplanned question or statement here.

She doesn’t even have anything of importance to say.

She doesn’t CARE that she hasn’t even thought of what she’s about to say before she starts the

“Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM.”

The only two things she knows at that moment are:

1. Mammy has started to talk to someo6else.

2. Mammy must NOT talk to someone else while I am in the room.
It’s exhausting.

And sometimes, depending on WHO mammy is DARING to have a conversation with, it’s ridiculously embarrassing.
I can handle a class of 28 teenagers, but I have NO CONTROL over a 4 & 3/4-er…

Shoot me now…
The two pictures below, top and tail the evening I’ve just had with my Mini-Me.
The first picture is about 44 minutes before THE BEDTIME FROM HELL that has lead to #operationskinnyarse being thrown THE FECK out the window, just for tonight. (Image 2…not cropped to hide grapejuice.)😉😉😉

The lovely Samantha @nappiesandlattes brought her this lovely Princess Bubbles last night. (non-alcoholic of course, although I would seriously consider throwing some gin into it right now…)
She ate all of her dinner, even AFTER a birthday party so The Him popped it, making a nice wee fuss over her and giving us a really sweet Mummy and Mini-Me moment.
45 minutes later, both of us are screaming, both of us are in tears and BOTH of us are ready to freak the hell out.

Why!?

Because BOTH of us THINK we’re the alpha female of the group and BOTH of us need to learn to calm the feck down.

We’re as bad as each other and I have no one to blame but myself…and of course The Him. Because she has HIS temper… she OBVIOUSLY doesn’t get her headstrong stubborness from me now does she?

All Him.😀
And so now, it’s finally quiet, I had a good old telemobile rant at my Buddy “Rainbow” and The Him bought me a bar of chocolate.

NEVER underestimate the power of dialling a number to another Mammy Bear. You can say ANYTHING and swear as MUCH AS YOU LIKE, and they’ll just sit on the other end of the line nodding their heads and agreeing with you and saying things like “Mmmmhmmmmm” and “Oh I hear ya!” and so you don’t fell quite so shittiful or USELESS as a parent.
So there.

That is how quickly things can escalate, or indeed disintegrate when you have a tired Mammy and a tired Minion in a room.

The smiles in the first picture are real, but so are the tears.

I just don’t have a picture of those.
And the chocolate bar is also real, so Over and out Bitcheepooos!
I have some slabbering to do… 😘😘😘

20Sep2016

I am So like a Unicorn Mum! 🦄🦄

Posted in blog, children, parenting by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Another typical car journey from school…
Herself: “Mammy, did you fart?”
Indignation! 😲
Me: “No I did NOT!”

Herself: “Well it smells like fart.”

Me: “Well it wasn’t me. Anyway, you know Mammy only farts glitter.”

Her: “Oh, are you like a unicorn?”🦄🦄🦄

Me: “A unicorn?”

Her: “Yeah a UNICORN. You know how they fart glitter too Mammy? So you’re like a unicorn.”

Me: ” Yes. Mammy IS like a unicorn.”🦄

Mammy is quite liking the idea of being compared to a FABLIS, majestic, mysterious and beautifully elusive mythical being.

Mammy drifts off on a tangent of thought in which my first book is entitled “MOTHERHOOD: TALES OF GLITTER FARTING UNICORNS”… and on the cover, I am styled in a multicoloured unicornesque dress, clattered in glitter and looking all unicorny and wistful and magical.
Her: “So if you’re like a unicorn, does you burp rainbows too?”

(I’m enjoying this now.)

Me: “Yes, Yes I am Sweetheart. Mammy burps rainbows!”🌈

Her: “And does dat mean you’re horny like a unicorn?”🦄

Me: “Erm…. 😲😲😲
The title of my book may have changed slightly…

“MOTHERHOOD: TALES OF A HORNY, GLITTER-FARTING RAINBOW-BURPER.” 🦄🌈🦄
Who wants to pre-order?

😂😂😂😂

The S-Mum

…the superbly honest blog of a Thoroughly Modern Mammy

Category Archives: children