My lazy arse has decided that ACTUALLY, I should make a few New Year’s resolutions after all. I’m feeling a bit left out…
1. I must stop scolding Mini-Me. It doesn’t feckin work anyway. I’m wasting my energy.
2. I will be calm and zenned at all times… (mostly after 8pm when the Minions are snoring and I have a glass of something soothing in my hand.)
3. I will learn a new language. Something foreign and exotic and sexy…Yeah. Actually, No. My arse. I have enough bother getting coherent sentences to come out of my mouth in English, and now that I’m having to say “BUH” instead of fucking “BEEE” for the letter b, I’m already technically learning one anyway. My brain would combust with any more pressure. (Seriously, how the hell are the kids going to spell their namesnin the future! “Muh-iiiih-naaaa-iiiii-muuuuu-eeeeee” That shit bothers me.)
4. I will get rid of the 13.4 stone I’ve eaten and supped over Christmas…(starting next Monday. There’s 6 more days until the New Year technically begins.) #operationskinnyarse
5. I will never raise my voice to my child. (I shall lean in and whisper. It’s much more effective. Bookface taught me that one. It’s good isn’t it.)
6. I shall have a clean house at all times. (At least once a year, for at least 3 days.The rest of the time? Yeah right! If I can keep them all generally alive, fed and clothed in public, I say I’m winning.)
7. I shall never blackmail or bribe my children. That would be terrible. Such techniques are only employed by bad, terrible, desperate, bat shit crazy bitch mamma…( Maybe I should change this to I will try to stop being a bad, terrible, desperate, bat shit crazy bitch Mamma? Might be a better starting point than giving up blackmail. Can’t go cold turkey like…)
8. I shall travel more and make more time for me. (I shall take the long way home once a week, AND I’ll listen to the RADIO instead of the Fucking FROZEN soundtrack when I’m in the car on my own. Now THAT is Mam-ME time guys! 😂)
9. I shall stop having imaginary arguments with people while I am in the shower or the car. It’s not healthy, especially when you turn around, midrant covered in lather and Mini-Me is standing staring at you and asks “Who are you talking to Mammy?” or interrupts your rant with “LANGUAGE!” in that condescending, disapproving tone of hers from the back seat, causing you to almost crash the fuckin car with fright.
Maybe this is just me? Yes? Ok. This one I should probably seriously consider… no? You do it too? Thank the Lord and his wee Donkey! 😚😅😅
10. I shall stop drinking grapejuice … gin is not as calorific apparently.
10. I shall stop swearing. 😂😂😂😂😂
10. I shall stop lying and accept myself as the deluded, delusional talker of general shite that I am.
10. I shall learn to count.😘😘
Now, in order to make myself look effortlessly stunningful for a roseymantic trip away with The Him, I must go and spend the next 2 hours scrubbing, defuzzing, recolouring, bronzing, oompaloompahing, plucking, tweezing…while sipping grapes. (Multitasking eh?) and I shall emerge from the bathroom slightly tipsy and but a memory of my current state, (which is that of the turkey just before you stuck the feathery, lardy, pale fecker in the oven last week.)
All so I can look “effortlessly” and “naturally” fablis…
Pour me wine please, it’s feck this shit o’ clock.