Because if someone could work out an app for that, life would become soooooooooo easy. 😭
Today, we met my friend for coffee. She recently broke up with Gobshite. A grade A gobshite actually, but one of those Gobshites who was always nice to everyone, and so it’s difficult to actually say much bad about him.
He was especially nice to my Mini-Me and so on the road to, (let’s say), Gemima’s house, she asked me:
“Will (let’s say) John-Joe be there Mammy?”
“Nooooo Sweetie. John-Joe doesn’t live with Gemima anymore pet. They broke up so we won’t be seeing John-Joe anymore.”
“Never EVER again?”
“No Darling. But it’s OK because Gemima is very happy since he moved out and she’ll be fine.”
As we pulled into the driveway, I remembered to warn “Don’t ask about John-Joe please Mini-Me. I don’t want you to mention him while we’re here. OK?”
Yeah right S-Mum. 😂😂😂 It took all of 3 minutes before she started.
The conversation went something like this:
MM Hi Gemima. Where’s John-Joe?
Me Mammy already explained this Mini-Me, now go play with the cat.
MM But where IS he?
G John-Joe doesn’t live here anymore pet. We broke up.
Me That’s enough now. Where’s the cat?
MM Well John-Joe was my fwend and I wuved him so you can’t have broked up. Can you wing him and tell him to come back here RIGHT now so I can see him please?
Me OK, Who wants a biscuit? Mini-Me! Have a biscuit! (fuckitty fuck fuck!!)
MM I don’t want a biscuit. Why did you bweak up wif him? I WUV John-Joe.
Me Enough now Madam. Hahah! She’s such a rascal. hahahhahaha ( Where is the fecking cat? Please GOD, send in the fucking cat.)
G She’s grand. Sure she doesn’t understand.
MM I have a boyfwend you know?
G (smiling at the subject change) Do you Sweetheart? Who is your Boyfriend?
And I KNEW, there and then, what was about to come out of the little Demon’s mouth… I knew by her face. I knew by the excitement on her face. I knew because I KNOW her and her imagination… and I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up…
MM John-Joe is MY Boyfriend.
(Yup. She did it.😭😭 Like a mini Cameron feckin Diaz in a movie where she’s happily playing the mistress. I couldn’t breath. I looked at Gemima’s face, honestly uncertain about what I was going to see… THANKFULLY, she was laughing.) 😄
G Oh is he reeeeeeally? Well good luck to you pet.
MM Well YOU bwoke up wif him, so you don’t want him anymore anyway. Can I have another biscuit?
me Yes Darling and then you can go out and play with the traffic…
Enter the blasted fucking CAT, 2 minutes too late. “OooOoOOoh CAT! Hellloooooooo witto CAT!” she screamed as she ran out the door after the terrified and unfortunate creature. Better late than never. Stupid cat.
And then we laughed and laughed and I’m pretty sure she did a super job to not cry, and we (half) joked that we would love a glass of wine rather than a coffee,(hahahahahahaha) and she joked about how funny Mini-Me is and how she has nothing to learn.
And I disagreed profusely because she has LOTS to learn, the most important and urgent thing being how to SHUT UP!
Followed by how to say NOTHING when you’ve been warned to say nothing.
Followed by how to up her choice of Gobshite… but maybe we’ll leave that for another 10 years or more.
I’m still cringing.
If the ground had opened, I would have jumped in, (but not before I’d grabbed the biscuits!)
How was your day?🍷