Dear Sir Alan of the Sugar
I attach the CV of my Daughter, Miss Mini-Me of the S-Mum, who I feel must be brought to your attention.
Having watched the opening episode of your FABLIS show “Dapprentice”, I feel that IF you were to fly Mini-Me (and her Mum obviously) to London to meet you, you would hire her IMMEDIATELY and put an end to the tedious, although highly entertaining, process of ” Dapprentice”.
For her 4.5 years, she is VERY accomplished. I will outline just a few of the qualities she possesses which make her an obvious addition to your team.
She would certainly impress you, Her-of-the-fablis-straight-face-and-shiny-hair and Him-of-the-bald-head-and-eloquent-speaking.
In fact, I do believe that she could be your Mentor if I’m honest.
■ She is highly intelligent. Beyond her years really.
■ She is ruthless and assertive.
■ Her communication skills are superb. She speaks English, Irish and French (Buideal means “Hi” no?). She also speaks Mini-Me which even YOU can’t speak.)
■ She is loud and can be obnoxious if the situation requires her to be so.
■ She will manipulate the knickers off an elephant.
■ If she doesn’t get her way, she will revert to tears if necessary.
■ She is loud. She WILL be heard. There will be NO ONE in the board room who will be louder than her.
■ She is hugely adept at the talking AT the handset as opposed to INTO the phone like a normal, non-dapprentice person does.
■ She can change Best Friends at the drop of a hat, so really, you could fire ANYONE and she wouldn’t care.
■ She will blame EVERYBODY else in the room, even if the project has failed SOLELY because of her.
■ She believes in herself and her abilities 100%. (And so she should. She’s awesome.)
■ She can stare wistfully out a car window, seemingly ignoring everyone, but listening to EVERY SINGLE WORD and storing it as evidence for the Board Room.
■ The doll who thinks she has the “energy of an atomic bomb” would look like a fart in the wind beside Mini-Me.
■ Her negotiation skills are world class.
■ She is SUPERB at listening to instruction from her Team leader, before COMPLETELY IGNORING said instruction and doing her own thing. I call this INITIATIVE. Others would call it insolence…
■She is not beyond Blackmail or Bribery.
Mini-Me is determined and diligent. In fact, she can be like a dog with a fricken bone if she decides she wants something.
Feel free to contact her references:
Granny of the Hill, Granny of the Lifford, Santa Claus.
(No point in asking me or her Daddy. Even SHE doesn’t listen to us.)
Good luck in your search, but honestly you won’t find a more suitable candidate than the aforementioned.
Secretary and PA to Mini-of-the-Me.