S-Mum is sick. 😣😣
I am Absolutely DOSED with that shitty flu that seems to have been going around since October. Up until now, I have regally flipped the finger at Miss Flu on many occasions, while smugly muttering “Toddle on by bitch”.
Everyone in the house has had it.
Everyone in the family has had it.
And S-Mum managed to evade it…until now.
The Him and both girls were very sick with it before Santa, and miraculously, I managed to avoid it.
Perhaps my immune system is so strong because of all the unicorn fart capsules I consume? (Watch this space for my Poo Plus Capsules! 😂😂)
Perhaps my body has a wall which keeps all the nasty little bugs out? (Trump might want to take notes.)
Perhaps there is truth in the “5 a day” technique and my copious consumption of grapejuice has pickled me to such a sterile environment that germs can’t breed?
Or perhaps, as Mammy, I just didn’t have TIME to get sick because I was LOOKING AFTER EVERYONE ELSE!
So since Sunday, the flu has hit.
And I have discovered 5 things.
1. Noise becomes even louder when you have flu. I have a non existant tolerance for noise at the best of times, especially background noises, so this means that S-Mum’s temper is shorter than usual.
Don’t say you weren’t warned. 😈
2. Your nose CAN drip. Like ACTUALLY DRIP. The way it does in movies. The way it does on babies and toddlers, where you assume that they just don’t know HOW to keep it clean. It can actually, simply and suddenly drip and make you look and feel like a dirty Snotterskank.
3. Tissues can rip the nostrils off you. And the skin around the nostrils is much more sensitive and delicate than we give it credit for. And even using the fancypants “soothing” tissues, eventually will still rip said nostrils to bits if you use enough of them.
4. BABY BUM CREAM is THE best thing EVER. HOW have I never realised this? The aforementioned scourged nostrils were so badly flared last night that they looked like an infected nether-region. Moisturisers were stinging. Even vaseline was hurting. And then, I had the brainwave of lifting the Bepanthem cream and sloshing it on my nostrils and I SWEAR TO GOD, within 3 minutes, the stinging had stopped and the redness disappeared.
Yes. I have reached a new low.
I may have Chanel in my bathroom, but this week, I have arse cream on my face.
And it is fablis.
5. It is ridiculously easy to take too much paracetamol.
Joking aside for a second Ladybelles, I made a HUGE booboo yesterday. In my effort to carry on being Supermum, to remain vertical, functioning and coherent at school and to generally JUST KEEP SWIMMING, I managed to almost OD on medicines.
I wasn’t going to share this as I felt so fucking stupid last night, but you know what? It’s so easy to do and I had two colleagues tell me today that they’ve done the exact same thing, so I don’t feel like such a thick Twatsickle now.
Mammies are so determined to stay standing to keep looking after everything and everyone else, that we don’t think. Without going into details, I accidentally took far too many cold & flu remedies, having forgotten the 2 paracetamol I’d taken during a class where my head was lifting. I became really ill, really quickly and The Him had ro come to my rescue. After an afternoon of sleeping and some power puking, I finally came around enough to realise my mistake.
Talk about feeling stupid? When the kids (and even The Him) are sick, I write down every drop I’ve given them and the time, just to make sure I never feck up dosages.
But for myself? Nah, that would have made sense wouldn’t it?
Thankfully, I was fine after a few hours, but I frightened myself at how easily it happened.
And then TODAY? A text conversation with Himself…
Him: How you feeling now Love of my Life, apple of my eye, light of my world? 😈
Me: Like shite. How’s you?
Him: Just heading to the chemist here. Am crashing badly. Think I’m getting your flu…
OH NO YOU DON’T FUCKWIT. IT’S MY TURN. If I have to succumb to the snotters and swimming head and sore ears for a few days, you WILL REMAIN IN FULL HEALTH and RESCUE me and pour TLC over me and COOK for me and generally MAKE IT ALL BETTER.
WILL YOU FECK pull out the Manflu card?
And if you do?
Feck off home to your Mammy because THIS Mamma Bear is done and I’m NOT sharing the Bum Cream…
Have a lovely evening Ladybelles.
Hope the kids are in bed and you get those feet up for a bit. 😘😘😘