Author Archives: Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

I am Standing at the Butcher Counter Mum

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At the butcher counter…
Mini-Me is staring at all of the meat and fish.
(Recently, we’re OBSESSED with the words “Dead” (dayad) and “killed” (kulled).
So while Mr Butcher bags up the chicken which she’s informed him she won’t eat EVEN if Mammy cooks it because “dayad chucken is rotten”, Mammy is relieved that she’s taken a breath for 2 whole seconds so that Mammy can actually get a word in edgeways to order more meat.
She suddenly pipes up:

“Mammy, does the farmer cut the cow to… get the baby calf out?”
(What I THOUGHT she was going to ask was “to get the meat out”.  So did the butcher. 😅😅)
“Erm, well yes Mini-Me. If the cow can’t get the baby calf out, the vet will cut the cow’s belly open to get the calf out. It’s called a C-Section.” 

(Atta girl S-Mum. Answer with truth. Always the best option apparently, no?)
Butcher looks impressed that not-very-farmeresque-today-glammy-mammy-type in front of him has answered so brilliantly and not at all awkwardly…

(You got this S-Mum.  You rock…)
“Aaaaaaaaaah.” Ponders.
“And a half pound of…”
“So just like the vet cut YOUR belly open to get me out?”
(Aaaaaaaaaaand there we go.)

Butcher almost chokes.
“And  then AGAIN to get Princess out? Mammy DID THE VET CUT YOUR BELLY TOO?”

(Obviously misunderstands from my inability to speak due to utter mortification that I didn’t hear her the first time.😣😣😣)
“Yes Sweetie. Now shush a second please until Mammy gets…”  ( the feck out of here.) 😣😣😣
“So does dat mean YOU’RE A COW?!”
Christ on a bike… ground.  Open. Swallow…
Butcher is in convulsions by now. 

Fecker. 
“She’ll go far that Doll” he smiles encouragingly.

“Oh indeed she will” answers a Not-quite-so-smug S-Mum through false smile, manic laugh and gritted teeth. (Right out the door on the toe express if I could get away with it…)
Oh God, I could’ve kulled her, the little butch… 😉😅😉😅😉😅😉
How was your day?

I am “So the MAIN the the Baby Books forgot to mention” Mum

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For my final instalment of “I am Some Things the Baby Books Forget to Mention Mum”, I shall impart THE most important truths that any Mammy will EVER need to read.  💋
Thousands upon Thousands of Baby and Parenting Books have been written, all offering varying information and facts to expecting parents.   I don’t dismiss them all. Most are afterall, written by experts. 

 

An expert in parenting I am not.
Of course I bought them when I was expecting Mini-Me.   What benefit did I get from them? 

Honestly?

 I loved reading about the development of my little Bubba each week, looking at pics of what she looked like and imagining my own little alien growing in my belly.  I read every last word of “What to Expect” and drank up all the information…
Forewarned is forearmed isn’t that what they say?😅
But what was the main lesson I learned?  
Well, from the minute you walk in the door of the hospital, anything you have read or researched goes straight out the window, faster than any drug kicks in.  

You are not in control. 
Even the most informed and prepared Mama Bear is not fully in control of the birth. Anything can happen. And more shockingly, the second your Baby arrives, any idea that you had about being in charge or in control, disappears instantly.
All the plans and informed decisions about routine, feeding, changing, habits, EVERYTHING, become memories as your little one takes you on a journey.  
THEY are driving.  They are in charge.  What they need, you give them. Where you are going, is on an adventure, blind as feck and having no idea where you’re heading.  And on this adventure, there is no room for BS Bibles.  
So while maternity books and guides are necessary (first time anyway!), it’s the parenting books that I have issue with.  Why?  Because they often create unachievable goals and, like everything, they suggest that if you are not doing things they way the book outlines, that you are failing.
So what are the only things that EVERY PARENT needs to know?

1. Follow your instincts

And 

2. You’re ALREADY doing a great job.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps”…Yeah right.

“Baby should eat at x hour intervals”… Newsflash. Baby will eat when it’s hungry.  He’ll let you know.

“Bath your baby every night”; feck off

“Don’t start them on solids until”… yeah, whatever. 

“Your Baby should be…”  Let me finish this sentence off for you…
Your Baby should be fed and loved.  THAT is all. 
And whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed, wear your baby or push him, co-sleep or cot, in your room or nursery, use pampers or mamia, Baby led wean or…just wean, dodee or not,  IT DOESN’T MATTER.
How you care for your minion is YOUR business.  
If you need help or advice, ask for it.

If you feel that something is wrong, follow your gut and don’t be dismissed by anyone.

If you look at other parents and think they’re better than you, stop comparing yourself.

If you look at other parents and think you’re better than them? Get the fuck over yourself.

 

SO there.
Follow your instincts, Do what’s right for you, and most importantly, even covered in puke, stinking like a chicken coup because you haven’t showered in 3 days, jibbering from lack of sleep and riding the hormonal rollercoaster, You’re already doing a great job.
You’re brilliant and your minions wouldn’t have you any other way.
You’re THEIR world.  You’re all that they know.  You are all that they need.  You are enough…
They don’t need a book to tell them that… neither should you.💙
Some days will be chaos on a plate.  Others will be jigsaws and giggles.💖💖


Whichever it is in your house today, Keep ‘er lit Mama Bear.

 You’re fablis xxxxxx

I am Still talking STUFF Mum

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The “I am Some Things the Baby Books forget to mention Mum” series.

Instalment #5 – Keeping Stuff

“Keep little momentos in a baby box or book: You and your little one will treasure these and can enjoy looking back on them in years to come.”

What it SHOULD say is,

“For your first Baby, you will try to keep all the everything. You shall fill pages and pages of pregnancy diaries and baby books and the eleventy squillion “Born in 20-whatever” keepsake boxes you received will have first socks, first hats, the bangles you both wore in Maternity, first bib, first babygrow, first dummy, first curl, first tooth, first EVERYTHING bulging out of them. You will remember all the details, the baby’s weight, the baby’s height, the day she first crawled, the date he first walked… Your first baby will look at these boxes one day and either be 1. Incredibly fulfilled by the absolute confirmation that they existed as babies, or 2. Completely freaked out by the human hair and teeth in the shiny silver box.”

By the time Baby#2 and subsequent minions arrive, you will not have the same time, energy or give-a-shit to create such memorable memory books or boxes. If truth be told, you’ll be doing well if you remember the Baby’s name.

Do you know what I have kept from the birth of Princess?

Princess.

I still have her around here somewhere. 😂

 

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I do remember that she weighed 9lb6 even at 10 days early, but not from sentiment, mostly from the absolute relief that my giganticars-aurism was not just due to eating cream buns, that she was INDEED a big baby.

I also remember her name. Most days.

I don’t know what exact age she was when she crawled, or walked, or said her first words, but I know that she did have a first in each of these. I don’t remember the dates of her first jabs (that’s on record in the Nurse’s computer!) but I do remember the screams of each one.

Yes, I’ll keep her first tooth and first curl safe, just like her sister’s, but if you ask me where they are in a few years, I probably won’t have a clue. (The curls, NOT the kids. 😂😂)

Is she any less loved or cared for? Nope. She’s the centre of my world and I love her wee fat head more and more every second of every day, but do I have the need to record every single date and milestone? No. Nor do I have the time.

And anyway, they are recorded where it matters; in her Daddy’s and in my memory… oh and probably on Facebook if I was really stuck.
Sad, but true. #21stcenturyphotoalbums

So should you record everything? Well it’s up to you isn’t it?

For Baby #1, I’d say “Go for it”. You have time. So much time. Use it.

Because unless you are absolutely brilliant and organised, let’s just say that by Babba #2, you’ll be a little more, erm, relaxed*.

*knackered, exhausted, forgetful, disorganised etc 😂😘😂😘

I am Stuff Everywhere Mum 

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It’s World Poetry Day.
And so tonight’s offering for “I am some things the Baby Books forgot to mention” Mum shall be written in verse.
“Nappies and dodees” should be read/sung to the tune of “Raindrops and Roses” from The Sound of Music.
The BS Bibles spout such shite as “Don’t worry! Babies don’t need to take up ALL the space in your home.  Dedicate a shelf or drawer in your living room to baby essentials to keep them close at hand.  The Baby’s clothes etc should be kept in Baby’s nursery (includes image of pale grey amd white, empty, tidy nursery…)  The moses basket should be in a well appointed space, not too close to any radiators or drafty doors/windows. A well organised changing station will help keep the home mess free.”
Where does it prepare us for the explosion of STUFF that ensures that EVERY nook and cranny of your once tidyish home gets covered in Baby.  It’s like a giant Baby lifts the roof off your house and projectile VOMITS a load of utter CRAP all over EVERYTHING.  No room escapes and while for the first few weeks you might be able to contain the Baby stuff to a few baskets or to one corner, once they begin to play with toys or move about, the house slowly becomes overwhelmed by toys that seem to reproduce and multiply while we sleep.
“Nappies and Dodees and cute little sockies

Big teddies, small teddies, horseys that rockie,

Elephant mobiles that fly on their strings

These are just some of the new baby’s things.
Baskets from Moses and funky shaped pillows

Grufallos, Minnie Mouse, Wind in the Willows,

Breast pumps and bobos and wee plastic pots,

Plastic spoons needed for feeding your tots.
Where’s the dummy?

Close the stairgate.

Get the nappy baaaag.

I simply can’t deal with this amount of stuff

I miss the space that I had.
Cushions and door clips and safety latches

Lift all those candles and hide all the matches

Puke cloths and poop bags and powders and creams,

Lego and Stains on all of your things.
Carseats and carriers, high chairs and bouncers

Moniters, teethers and measures for ounces

Video moniters keep mammy calm

And Daddy’s still learning how to fold up the pram.
Toys toys toys toys

Toys toys toys toys

Did I mention toys?

I simply am listing the simplest of things

We gather for girls…and boys.”


And just like the list the BS Bibles give you, this is by no means exhaustive. You will find more crap to add to it and you will wonder why you didn’t take millions of photographs of your lovely fengshuiyed, Cath Kitsonesque, picture perfect home BC to send to ‘House and Home’

.  

And as for new furniture or carpets? 

Don’t bother your arse until they’re old enough to know NOT to 

write on the cushions with glitter glue. 
Wrecking balls…

Absolute wrecking balls. 😂😂😂

I am She goes, He Goes Mum

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  “OH DU TOILETTE…”

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The Throne…

Becoming a Mum brings with it many wonderful and exciting changes for parents. The “books” will tell you how new babies will test even the strongest relationship.  They do not tell you that one of the biggest bones of contention between parents is the process of the poo.
Let me explain…

(Read alá David of the Attenborough on a wildlife show…)
The female of the species becomes quickly skilled at excretion. After childbirth, despite possible  complications and difficulties with the bladder, she will quickly evolve into a bladder controlling machine. Caring for her young is always a priority. Even with a full bladder, the female can retain control under duress and highly stressful conditions, often balancing her offspring on her abdominal area. She is strong however, and will wait for the perfect moment to pounce on the elusive porcelain.  When the opportunity presents itself, the Mama will swiftly and skillfully do what she needs to do.
The female can relieve a full bladder in 8.5 seconds and it has been said that faecal excretion can take only 5 seconds. (Evidence of this has not yet been acquired as the female is so skilled and speedy that scientific equipment is not fast enough to measure the act.)  The female performs the essential and necessary act of excretion faster than any other species, and often with up to 4 of her young hovering around, or indeed ON, her.  Cleanliness is swift and onehanded in many cases. Other species have yet to evolve at the speed of the human Mammy.

The male of the species is entirely different.
The male is special. He makes quite the production of the animal act of excretion. The bathroom must be empty of all young. The atmosphere should be peaceful and relaxed in order for the full joy and relaxation of the event. Full concentration is required.  Men have evolved to require the help of a handheld device for the excretion process. Tablets are acceptable but the clever male prefers the mobile phone, as it can be sneaked into the room, past the female, more easily.  The male may require anything up to 45 minutes for the process.
It is very difficult and he ensures that the importance of and difficulty of his excretion is heard by his female if she dares to question the length of time he has been in his throne room. “I’m IN THE F$#€** Toilet” may he roared in a manly way, by the manly man, during his manly process, if he perceives disapproval or tutting from the female outside the door.  The delicate procedure is prolonged and made easier for the male by perusal of Bookface or Instagranny for the duration. This device aids in the relaxation required for the faeces to remove itself from the manly male posterier.

Sometimes, for reasons as yet unknown to scientists, the male will remain on the porcelain seat for much time after the act of relieving himself. It has been suggested that this is an avoidance of the reality of the children who are not allowed to bother him while in the special pooping room. This is not yet proven, but breakthroughs are expected in the near future as female scientists are working on remote controls to switch off the prolonging devices. Other exciting developments are self flushing timed toilets, although there are fears that such a device might be mistaken for self cleaning.)
The male reappears into the homestead calm and relaxed, thoroughly relieved and oblivious to how long he has been in the bathroom. The bathroom and the rest of the world have different time rules when the male excretes… what he feels to be 5 minutes, is often 37 minutes by the female’s observant and obsessive count…

The male excretion ends with a ceremonial greeting by the female which can be high-pitched and erratic.

This process remains as such until the female completely loses her mind and screams so much that the children become afraid to interrupt her, or they finally reach the age where watching Mammy poo is no longer interesting or exciting…

The Male checks his phone and wonders what all the fuss is about.
#takeashitalready #soblessed #peeinprivate