I am Seriously Procrastinating Mum

Posted in Uncategorized by

​S-Mum has a plan.
It is quite genius if I’m honest.
If I refuse to start THINKING about school, I won’t have to face the fact that it’s ACTUALLY happening.
It’s creeping up on me like a fricken creepy stalker type in a bad horror movie.👹👹
And in our house, it’s a double whammy, because not only do I have to start back at school after 11 wonderful months as a SAHM, my precious (if slightly terrifying!) Mini-Me is starting BIG School too.
To be honest, my biggest fear is my brain.

I dont think it’s going to able to cope with the added THINKING required to 

a) be in anyway intelligent and competent in school

b) be organised to start a new routine 

c) keep all the plates I am spinning already from smashing when another HUGE plate is added to the mix.
So, my plan is to just IGNORE IT.
Isn’t S-Mum clever?
I have yet to buy ANYTHING except a schoolbag for Herself.
No shoes, No PE kit, No back to school teacher wardrobe for me…NOTHING.

I haven’t even raided Asda’s stationery aisle yet.

THAT is a miracle… 😂😂
And until I go into Penneys and fill 2 baskets with grey trousers, navy polo necks, blah blouses and nude fricken rotten tights, it won’t be real.
And until I take Her to buy school shoes, she’s not REALLY starting Big school is she?
I shall enjoy another week of normality.

I shall enjoy my girlies, snotters and all.

I shall enjoy having a glass of grape juice🍷 on a Monday if I so wish.

I shall enjoy my Forrest Gumpedness for just a little longer.
See.

Procrastination does work.

I AM indeed a genius.

Or a Chicken…

Time for that grape-juice…while I still can! 

😘😘😘 

I am Skirt Mum

Posted in children, parenting by

​There are DVDs in the bath. 😲

Because that’s the most obvious place to keep the DVDs.

I have no idea why.

  But there they are….

And there they’ll stay until tomorrow when normality and “give-a-shit” return. 😂
Yesterday, my two little fashionistas-in-training and I went shopping.  
I was delighted when Mini-Me replied “Oh yes Mammy!” to “Will you help Mammy pick a new outfit for tonight?”

 I just assumed we’d finally reached that lovely part of Mammy/daughterness where we can go into clothes shops WITHOUT her screaming “NOOOOOOOO!” once she realises it’s not the wonderful toy-filled world of “Smuffs” or that there is ZERO chance of her finding a shelf with sweeties ANYWHERE in the store.
And indeed, she was very well behaved.

She walked around the shop pointing at dresses and tops and announcing things like “Oooooh dis is Bootiful!” and “What about dis one Mammy?”
I wasn’t quite prepared for her ENTHUSIASM to be honest.
I certainly wasn’t prepared for her HONESTY either.
I picked up a slinky silk skirt.

“That’s too small for you”.
I looked at a funky wee top.

“Dat’s not for Mammies.  DAT’S for Childwen like me.”
I lifted a Mini skirt.

“That’s Aunty Áine’s.” ( My 17 year old sister…)

 Subtext: you’re way too old for Mini skirts Mamma Bear.
She was standing there in a fricken Elsa dress, telling ME what I should wear. 😂😂
And yet, I DID find myself putting the items she disapproved of back on the rails.

Isn’t that ridiculous?

I was letting my baby girl influence my opinion of things that I was OBVIOUSLY attracted to for SOME reason.

I had to remind myself that she’s  FOUR and obviously I needed to set an example that you shouldn’t buy clothes based on what someone else likes. 

No.

My girls will learn to wear whatever the Feck they like. (Note the frequent trips to town dressed as Princess. When else can you do that but when you’re 4?) 💖💖
I found a less sliplike skirt and a top with a little bit more material around the MumTum.

Then I reached for the Mini skirt and said pointedly “You know what? Mammy likes this so I’m going to buy it.”
Did I teach her positive body image?

Well of course not.  She’d found a shelf of furry keyrings and sparkly phonecovers and was trying to figure out how to steal them, the little criminal. 😂😂

So I paid for the outfit, mini skirt and all, and home we went.
I packed both skirts and went off to (the utterly AMAZING) MacNean House, determined that I am STILL a #glammymammy and that thanks to #operationskinnyarse I could INDEED wear a teeny tiny Mini skirt if I want to…
But then when we got there, I only had time for 2 Gins before dinner, so the longer skirt went on and the Mini skirt remained in the suitcase like the shameless HUSSY that it is.
I have as much business in a feckin leather Mini-skirt as the DVD’s do in the bloody BATH!


I’ll return it tomorrow.
Actually, NO.

I won’t.
It will hang in my wardrobe and, I PROMISE, some night soon, there MIGHT just be enough Gin!

😉😉😉

I am Spinning Mum

Posted in children, parenting by

​Ok My Pretties…

S-Mum has taken her head out of the clouds and has arrived back in reality with a thud.
I spent much of today smiling and just DELIGHTED with me wee self and I was a complete saddo who couldn’t stop flicking open the back page of the rather FABLIS magazine to see my wee family’s daft faces staring back at me.

 It was wonderful.

I enjoyed it. 😍
And then, Mini-Me decided to stick a dirty big pin in my inflated arse and bring me back to my rightful place. 

MAMMY HELL.
Bedtime was particularly fun tonight.  It was like a chapter from the Hunger Games with dark fogs and crazed rabid monsters and insufferable screams and unintelligible grunts.  
Mini-Me, high on sugar from eating the icing off the Him’s birthday cupcakes while I wasn’t paying attention, decided to SPIN.
SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING…

AROUND AND AROUND with me shouting “WILL YOU STOP SPINNING BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF,”

and “OK, It’s CHILL OUT TIME NOW!” and all sorts of futile orders at her.
Sure, she couldn’t hear me. 

She was SPINNING!

Stooooopid Mammy.
And then, she spun head first ONTO the floor and INTO Princess’s HEAD.
Right in front of me…in slow motion…and there was FECK ALL I could do to save their respective skulls!

Bang…pause…SCREAM…😲😲😲😲

Mini-Me because she’d bumped her head AND she knew she was also 98% likely to be in trouble…

Princess because she’d been reaching for the remote control and had SUDDENLY been headbutted out of the way.
Screams…in perfect synchronisation and impressive harmony.👭

I got them calmed down (They’re both fine btw) and we EVENTUALLY made it to the JOYFUl “getting to the bedtime”.
Can you put on your PJs please? 

 Goes to toilet.

Can you go into the bathroom and get your toothbrush please?

 Goes to bedroom.

Wash your hands?

 Decides to cycle her bike to “park it in the kitchen.” 😡😡
And so it went on until Mammy lost the fricken PLOT and Herself decided she probably SHOULD listen to Mammy.  (You know, because a bumped head 20 minutes earlier didn’t teach her ANYTHING!)
Cue Sweet eyes and “Can I have 2 stories my bestest wee Mammy Bear?”

(Can you hell…)

“No.  One story tonight.”
I have to teach her that she has to listen.

I will stand my ground.

I won’t give in.

I read.

And then I realise that this is the first time she’s listened to me since 5pm.

And it’s so relaxing and nice, that I read her two.
And then I kiss her goodnight on her stubborn wee head and go to the kitchen. And I want to bang MY HEAD off the wall!

Because I’m spinning too. And sometimes I think that if I stop Spinning, I’ll also fall down and bump my head. 😉😉
Time for a cuppa.

Hope your bedtimes were peaceful and bump free. 😪😪

And thank you all for the lovely messages today.
I am Spinning Mum. 😘😘

I am So excited Mum

Posted in children, parenting, toddlers by

S-Mum is VERRRRRY excited today.

I woke up to this picture.

The lovely folk at Maternity & Infant magazine have featured me as their Blog We Log in theor Autumn edition.

It’s very surreal and wonderfully smilifying to see my words in real live PRINT! 

So because I woke up an A-list CELEBRITY TYPE, I obviously had to go to THE Stylist to the Stars to get my WhinBush tamed.

Ciara Mc Veigh-Lunn is currently Beautifying my mane.😘
One HAS to be looking all naturally fablis and suitably shocked when one greets the Papps who are OBVIOUSLY going to be waiting outside when I try to leave.  
I may have to hire security.
I wonder if Victoria B would consider being my friend now? We could have cawfee and be fablis together. 

 (She’d obvs have to change her hairdresser to be as cool as me.) 
We should be BFFs anyway.
Our Mini-Mes are the same age and we both have fit Hims and we’re practically identical anyway like! I wonder what size her shoes are? Imagine sharing her wardrobe… 😲😲😲

Sigh…
Did I tell you my mug and S-mumblings are in PRINT this morning?😂😂

Do you think I have enough copies? 😂😂

It is a Thoroughly Fablis Thursday.

Have a good one Bitcheepooooos xxx

I am Soooo could in the Olympics Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, terror by

​Tonight’s story choice was Tangled or Beauty and the Beast.
Tangled is too scary apparently…

Why?

“Because Eugene cuts her hair!”  (Silly Mammy.)
Yes Darling because the huge, giant, fanged, bad tempered MONSTER and mysoginistic arsehole male protaganist in Bootay and the Beast is nothing compared to having your hair cut.

I give up.

Her nightmare tonight had BETTER be about a huge fricken scissors rather than the Beast.😂
We’re going through a nightmare phase, which means that she ends up between us at approximately 2am and no one gets anymore sleep until 5am when Him’s alarm clock evacuates Him from the bed and she decides to slumber with her heel in my back.  

It’s not cute. 😡

It’s a pain in the posterier.  

If she’d snuggle up and go to sleep between us, it’d be tolerable, but NO.

Mini-Me lies there with the eyes of a frightened BLUEBOTTLE staring at the ceiling and jumping dramatically each time there is a sound.

And I would NEVER blame The Him👤…

(Pointing out that he let her watch “The Avengers” last Saturday doesn’t count as directing blame.  I’m simply stating a random fact that just happens to coincide with the start of her nightmares. Im not BLAMING anyone…) 😲😲😲
Today, I am a DOMESTIC GODDESS People!
I’m talking Super-fricken-Mum. 😂
 I attacked the laundry and made it to round 2 before giving it the fingers and closing the utility room door once again.

The girls were fed AND BATHED today.😅

I did floors.

I cleaned.

I tidied.

The minions are now safe and snug in bed, the bombsite is tidied again and the dinner is on. 💃💃
I am fricken fablis and I don’t even want gin tonight!

That’s how much my shit is together tonight Ladybelles.
Or maybe it’s because I’m watching the muscly gymnasts on the Tellybox and they’re making me want to worship my body like the shrine that it is and the possible Olympic winning gymnast that it could be in 4 years time…

I could you know!

Well, maybe not.

My one and only attempt at “the Horse” or vaulty thing as an 8 year old child with seriously BAD EYESIGHT resulted in a black eye, delivered beautifully by my own knee…so maybe not gymnastics.
Synchronised swimming?  Can’t swim…

Diving? Afraid of heights…
Ah I’ll find something to be fablis at.
Maybe being a Mammy should be an Olympic sport?

 I’ll surely have it perfected by 2020! 

Hahahah! 

For now, I’m going to enjoy sitting here watching the non-druggied, good and honest male gymnasts.

Those muscles… the bums… siiiiiigh! 💖
Hope you all had a Marvellous Mumday! 😙😙😙