I am State-of-your-car Mum!

Posted in children, parenting, toddlers by

​His n’ Hers…
“Your car’s a bloody state.”

That was The Him’s first mistake today.

He never really had a hope after that.
He got the raised eyebrow, jetted chin and icy glare which can be translated into:
“Is it really? Well THANK CHRIST you are able to point that out to me. Aren’t you the kind, considerate husband with the observational skills of Jason Fricken Bourne? HOW have I not noticed that my car looks like my children actually live, eat and excrete EXCLUSIVELY in my car? And ACTUALLY I am going for a bespoke, personalised look known as “Mum Car”,  which is exclusive to the Mummies and as yet unheard of to most Daddies. Because YOU only have the MessMonsters in your car on a bloody Sunday, when we are allowed to enter the shiny, showroom-perfection of the new Batmobile if we venture out as a family. And YOU don’t allow eating in the Hims car. And for some reason Mini-Me ACTUALLY accepts this in YOUR car because it’s a special FRICKEN Sunday car, like when we had Sunday clothes as children. Remember that? And we put them away until the following Sunday when we’d be allowed to wear them again? That’s what it’s like. So thank you for pointing out yet ANOTHER thing on my never-ending to-do list that I can’t get DOING because I always have two Crazy Frogs with me who need fed and entertained and even sometimes washed! So yes, my car is a BLOODY STATE! And if you had these two in your Manmobile for ONE FRICKEN WEEK, you might not be so smug Mister. And if you don’t like it, CLEAN IT!” 😈😈😈
Obviously, The Him understood my subtext perfectly. 

We’re very in synch me and the Him.

He is very clever.

He has seen that look before.

He knows he will not achieve ANYTHING other than a bollocking or violence from it.

He finished strapping Princess in and smiled at me and announced “You look pretty.” 
Well played you big brute.👤

Well played.
For the record, my car is actually quite unusually TIDY at the minute.  😂😂I pride myself on the current absence of banana skins and dropped smarties. And I KNOW what everything in there is.  There are no unknown, dangerous looking or toxic things growing beneath their seats.  I can still get a VERY faint smell of the Yankee car freshener from Christmas AND there are only 3 dodees on the floor.

I call that a Mammy Win. 💪💞💪
Tell me it’s not just me?

Tell me your cars are awfully dirty and messy and that you could lose a small dog in the chaos of the backseat?🐕
Hope you all had a Super Sunday. Not bad for November is it? 😂😂
Goodnight my Lovelies.
(Ps. I got a few messages today asking where I got the mustard top I wore last night.

Asda. 

£12. 

I shit you not. ❤❤)
Can you guess which one is His? 👇👇👇

I am Suspicious smell Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, toddlers, wine by

​FINALLY.

My arse is on a seat.
I WANT to say I’m cosied up in my PJs for the foreseeable future, with the remote to the androidy yoke, a large glass of bubbles and scented candles…
I HAVE to say I’m sitting down for 5 minutes to say hello to you before I start to tidy this bombsite and start dinner.

 The PJs are not on yet as that would require me going into the hall which might lead to the awakening of the monsters and frankly, I’d rather work on deepening the red track of the jeans around my belly! 

 Even with my obvious ninja stealth and carefully choreographed movement, those two are trained to pick up on ANY sound from the hall in the first 20 minutes of slumber. The hall is a NoGo area for another 17 minutes.  😪😪😪
 Scented candles?  The only scent I’m getting is a suspicious “pong du puke”. 

I have no idea where it’s coming from, but there is definitely a pungent whiff eminating from some crevice or hidden burp-cloth or lost bib…
I was delighted today to get a text from my friend to say that her husband had taken their Princess swimming, only for said Princess to shit in the swimnappy and by proxy, in the swimsuit.  💩💩💩

The lovely chemicals in the water created some sort of spontaneous combustion and altered the physical state of said shit into a consistency that babywipes could do nothing but slide over.  Hence her message ended with the words:

“He’s just text to run a bath because they’re both clattered in poo!”💩

I can not TELL you the JOY I got from reading this.   (Joy and obviously utter entertainment!)

After a week of purple plops of that same babywipe defying consistency, it made me happy to know that somewhere out there, another parent was dealing with the same shit…literally. 😂😂
And isn’t that the best thing about this interweb and these parenting blogs? That we can realise that

1. We’re not mental

2. We’re completely normal

3. Other people think and go through the same as us

4. There’s nothing wrong with sometimes asking for help, or admitting you’re scared, or crying.

5. Many other Mummies and Daddies need…sorry, like…wine and Gin and there’s a possibility that youre not actually a raving alcoholic.  You’re just a parent.

6. There is no manual and there is no perfect parent.  If you feed them and love your kids, you’re doing great.

7. Sometimes, being a parent is lonely.

8. Most times, being a parent is AWESOME.
Mini-Me has become obsessed with a new book.  MY 1ST ENCYCLOPEDIA.

Tonight I learned that: 

♡ There was a dinosaur bigger than a T-Rex called Gigantasaurus.  I did not know that.  I shit you not.

♡We also learned that your heart beeps and the skin keeps all of yoir blood from falling out.

♡We learned that Neptune is the coldest planet but the smarties who wrote the book are not geniuses like my daughter, because they forgot to include the fact that that is where the PENGUINS LIVE. 

DUMBASSES. 😂😂😂
On another note.

Phase 1 of #operationskinnyarse ended today.  For anyone who isn’t interested, have a great Friday and click away now…😚

…but for anyone who is interested, I’ve lost 9lb and 11cm off my waist in 6 weeks.

I’m just delighted with that and that’s all that matters. 🐮

I share simply to show that the determination and stubbornness that I gave my girls can sometimes help me as well as drive me fricken crazy.😂

(And I suppose I should thank The Him 👤 and hims Jim for helping me to get a good start on getting my sass back. Bring on phase 2!)
So to celebrate, I am going to have some bubbles.

They’re full of air which has like, no calories, so it’s grand!

Phase 2 starts tomorrow!
Hope you all have a fab Friday night.  

Feel free to share any exciting plans you might have… I’m off to find where this stink of puke is coming from. IT’S FECKIN HONKIN!
Over and Out! 💖💖💖

I am Slightly Grumpy Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, technology, toddlers, wine by

​Well the Princess has found two things this morning…

1. Her temper

2. Her voice.
She has just spent 21 minutes shouting defiance and protest at being put down for her nap.  She was so completely knackered but we have to give her credit for her determination and stubborness.  It was like getting that one friend who claims they’re “not dhrunk” to lie down and go to sleep.  She is currently collapsed in a heap in the cot, bum in the air, face planted on the drool soaked mattress. 

Headstrong stubborn little fart.

She’s so like The Him.👤😂
Meanwhile, in the peaceful and quiet kitchen, the red lights on the screaming moniter have desisted, I am FINALLY eating breakfast and Mini-Me is earning her keep by sorting through the bottomless underwear box. Have to teach them values and responsibilities don’t we? (It has NOTHING to do with the fact that I HATE THAT JOB!)

She is fablis. 💖💖


The Him👤 has buggered off to town to buy himself a new right arm.  His old one broke yesterday.

Its screen has decided to go to an eternal sleep and so his access to the virtual reality that he needs so badly is gone.  So it’s off to “RightArm Warehouse” with him so that the pain subsides and the colour returns to his ashen, sickly face. 😡

After watching him try in vain for 2 hours to revive my old banished i-phone, I eventually screamed at him to go buy a new fricken right arm before I shoved one of the right arms he had dismantled somewhere unspeakable, where it would get even more broken than it already is. 😡😡😡

If only health insurance covered the loss of one’s right arm…

I had plans to do lots of fun stuff today, but my brain or wardrobe weren’t quite prepared for FECKIN NOVEMBER, so I’m refusing point blank to leave the house.

Instead, I’m going to have a relaxing day at home.🐖🐷😂

Yeah.

Relaxing my arse. 

The washing basket is puking in the corner and I need to find the floor in our bedroom, because it’s gone missing.
If any of my dear not-just-FB-friends fancy calling for coffee, feel free…but don’t bother unless you bring chocolate.

 Or cake.

Or chocolate cake. 🎂🍩🍰

(See how Mammy knows that it’s WAAAAAY too early for grape-juice? Clever Mammy.)
I might be a grumpy cow 🐄🐮today… do I sound grumpy?😂

Might need more coffee… 😪😪😪

I am SSSSSSSSSSHHHH MUM!

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​It’s oh so quiet….sssssh….sssssssh!

It’s oh so stiiiiiiiill…
Tonight.  I don’t even have the tellybox on.

The minions are in bed and the only sounds are the dinner cooking and my good friend Gin shouting at me from the bottle.

“Let me out you bitch!”

“I haven’t seen my BFF Tonic in 2 weeks!” 

” You know you want me!”

“You DESERVE ME!” 
Seriously.  The little fecker is really fricken loud.

Like my children.

Loud.

Adorable, but JEEEEESUS they’re loud.
The Big one will never need a microphone if she ever follows Mamma Bear’s twinkletoes on-stage.  And the Little one is quiet usually, but MY GOD when she roars, she ROARS! 😂

I blame The Him.👤

As usual. 😂
Today, Mini Me came out of the bathroom buck feckin naked, declaring that her clothes had fallen off.  

She then threw a strop which included throwing a ball up the hall and screaming “You’re stoopid!” before arriving BACK up same hall dressed as a cowgirl, holding a rocket (which was actually a gun apparently) and proceeded to shoot us. Violent little lady.  

(Again, I blame The Him.👤  He let her watch The Avengers on Saturday. TWAT.)
 Then, she hugged me until she almost choked me and cried because she doesn’t want me or the Him to go to Heaven and her favourite pink soap is finished so it’s DEAD!
 A perfectly normal and logical chain of events really. 

No?

Or maybe it’s  time to call thon psychologist cousin of mine?
How did we react?

 We didn’t really. We’re getting quite good at the “stay calm and don’t confront unnecessarily” motto.  It does work sometimes.
My response was to lace up my trainers, leave The Him to it and walk 6k in 50 minutes. 


I came home refreshed and positive and opened the door to this 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 little guilt monster waiting for me like a PUPPY at the living room door.


“Please Mummy, Don’t ever leave me again….”

Those eyes though? 💖💖💖
So now, the Hulk SMAAAAAASH is asleep, the Toothless Wonder is drooling all over her cot again and because I can’t join my fablis friends for a night of Mexican Food, Margaritas and Highly intelligent conversation, I’m going to say hello to poor Mr Gin and “Cheers” to them, and you, from my quiet house.
Sssssssssssssh…. 🍷💖🍷💖🍷

I am Seeing-a-movie-not-by-Disney Mum! 😂

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​S-Mum has been to the “pictures”… to see a NOT Disney movie!
Myself and The Him went to a show tonight….AT NIGHT TIME! 

In the dark…at NIGHT!

The people in the cinema were ALL at least 5 foot tall and all aged in 2 digit numbers.

We saw the new Bourne film.

  I was a little disappointed that it was only rated 12PG. I really felt that my first grown up movie in 4 feckin years mught have had the manners to be at least 16’s.
If you’d seen The Him’s wee face when he came home tonight to find me ready to go, tickets booked and my babe of a sister cosied up with the Androidy yokie… It was waaaay too cute. 

(Him’s easily fricken pleased!)
Bourne himself was quite brilliant.  Big explosions, a terrifyingly intelligent computery script and lots of violence. (And Matt Damon’s chest… Grrrrr! 😆😆😆)

 And oh my! The car scenes! CRASHING AND SMASHING AND BOOMING EVERYWHERE! 

(Well worth going to see if you’re really a bit of a boy, like me!)
My Mummy FAILS today included:

1. The Blueberry poos… such a handlin’. 😡😡

2. Finding Princess PLAYING WITH THE BLUEBERRY POO NAPPY that I’d thrown across to the bin 3 minutes earlier but had forgotten to lift. I swear to God I thought I would have to bathe her in bleach.  (It only got on the floor however so calm the cacks!)
My Mummy WINS were:

1. Finding “Cougettie” in Aldi. 👇👇


2. Watching Mini Me DEVOURING her Courgettie Bolognese… because I told her it was Green pasta because it’s the Hulk’s favourite.  She does love her superheroes.  #likeagirl 


3. Making the Him’s day by arranging above cinema date. I didn’t even pretend we were booked to see Ab Fab. I could have had fun with that in fairness…

4. Being a Seriously-fab Mum who ONLY lets her girls play with very spensive and edumacational toys. 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

Can you smell Friday?

I’m away to Bourne…I mean Bed! 😚