Category Archives: children

I am So excited Mum

Posted in children, parenting, toddlers by

S-Mum is VERRRRRY excited today.

I woke up to this picture.

The lovely folk at Maternity & Infant magazine have featured me as their Blog We Log in theor Autumn edition.

It’s very surreal and wonderfully smilifying to see my words in real live PRINT! 

So because I woke up an A-list CELEBRITY TYPE, I obviously had to go to THE Stylist to the Stars to get my WhinBush tamed.

Ciara Mc Veigh-Lunn is currently Beautifying my mane.😘
One HAS to be looking all naturally fablis and suitably shocked when one greets the Papps who are OBVIOUSLY going to be waiting outside when I try to leave.  
I may have to hire security.
I wonder if Victoria B would consider being my friend now? We could have cawfee and be fablis together. 

 (She’d obvs have to change her hairdresser to be as cool as me.) 
We should be BFFs anyway.
Our Mini-Mes are the same age and we both have fit Hims and we’re practically identical anyway like! I wonder what size her shoes are? Imagine sharing her wardrobe… 😲😲😲

Sigh…
Did I tell you my mug and S-mumblings are in PRINT this morning?😂😂

Do you think I have enough copies? 😂😂

It is a Thoroughly Fablis Thursday.

Have a good one Bitcheepooooos xxx

I am Soooo could in the Olympics Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, terror by

​Tonight’s story choice was Tangled or Beauty and the Beast.
Tangled is too scary apparently…

Why?

“Because Eugene cuts her hair!”  (Silly Mammy.)
Yes Darling because the huge, giant, fanged, bad tempered MONSTER and mysoginistic arsehole male protaganist in Bootay and the Beast is nothing compared to having your hair cut.

I give up.

Her nightmare tonight had BETTER be about a huge fricken scissors rather than the Beast.😂
We’re going through a nightmare phase, which means that she ends up between us at approximately 2am and no one gets anymore sleep until 5am when Him’s alarm clock evacuates Him from the bed and she decides to slumber with her heel in my back.  

It’s not cute. 😡

It’s a pain in the posterier.  

If she’d snuggle up and go to sleep between us, it’d be tolerable, but NO.

Mini-Me lies there with the eyes of a frightened BLUEBOTTLE staring at the ceiling and jumping dramatically each time there is a sound.

And I would NEVER blame The Him👤…

(Pointing out that he let her watch “The Avengers” last Saturday doesn’t count as directing blame.  I’m simply stating a random fact that just happens to coincide with the start of her nightmares. Im not BLAMING anyone…) 😲😲😲
Today, I am a DOMESTIC GODDESS People!
I’m talking Super-fricken-Mum. 😂
 I attacked the laundry and made it to round 2 before giving it the fingers and closing the utility room door once again.

The girls were fed AND BATHED today.😅

I did floors.

I cleaned.

I tidied.

The minions are now safe and snug in bed, the bombsite is tidied again and the dinner is on. 💃💃
I am fricken fablis and I don’t even want gin tonight!

That’s how much my shit is together tonight Ladybelles.
Or maybe it’s because I’m watching the muscly gymnasts on the Tellybox and they’re making me want to worship my body like the shrine that it is and the possible Olympic winning gymnast that it could be in 4 years time…

I could you know!

Well, maybe not.

My one and only attempt at “the Horse” or vaulty thing as an 8 year old child with seriously BAD EYESIGHT resulted in a black eye, delivered beautifully by my own knee…so maybe not gymnastics.
Synchronised swimming?  Can’t swim…

Diving? Afraid of heights…
Ah I’ll find something to be fablis at.
Maybe being a Mammy should be an Olympic sport?

 I’ll surely have it perfected by 2020! 

Hahahah! 

For now, I’m going to enjoy sitting here watching the non-druggied, good and honest male gymnasts.

Those muscles… the bums… siiiiiigh! 💖
Hope you all had a Marvellous Mumday! 😙😙😙

I am State-of-your-car Mum!

Posted in children, parenting, toddlers by

​His n’ Hers…
“Your car’s a bloody state.”

That was The Him’s first mistake today.

He never really had a hope after that.
He got the raised eyebrow, jetted chin and icy glare which can be translated into:
“Is it really? Well THANK CHRIST you are able to point that out to me. Aren’t you the kind, considerate husband with the observational skills of Jason Fricken Bourne? HOW have I not noticed that my car looks like my children actually live, eat and excrete EXCLUSIVELY in my car? And ACTUALLY I am going for a bespoke, personalised look known as “Mum Car”,  which is exclusive to the Mummies and as yet unheard of to most Daddies. Because YOU only have the MessMonsters in your car on a bloody Sunday, when we are allowed to enter the shiny, showroom-perfection of the new Batmobile if we venture out as a family. And YOU don’t allow eating in the Hims car. And for some reason Mini-Me ACTUALLY accepts this in YOUR car because it’s a special FRICKEN Sunday car, like when we had Sunday clothes as children. Remember that? And we put them away until the following Sunday when we’d be allowed to wear them again? That’s what it’s like. So thank you for pointing out yet ANOTHER thing on my never-ending to-do list that I can’t get DOING because I always have two Crazy Frogs with me who need fed and entertained and even sometimes washed! So yes, my car is a BLOODY STATE! And if you had these two in your Manmobile for ONE FRICKEN WEEK, you might not be so smug Mister. And if you don’t like it, CLEAN IT!” 😈😈😈
Obviously, The Him understood my subtext perfectly. 

We’re very in synch me and the Him.

He is very clever.

He has seen that look before.

He knows he will not achieve ANYTHING other than a bollocking or violence from it.

He finished strapping Princess in and smiled at me and announced “You look pretty.” 
Well played you big brute.👤

Well played.
For the record, my car is actually quite unusually TIDY at the minute.  😂😂I pride myself on the current absence of banana skins and dropped smarties. And I KNOW what everything in there is.  There are no unknown, dangerous looking or toxic things growing beneath their seats.  I can still get a VERY faint smell of the Yankee car freshener from Christmas AND there are only 3 dodees on the floor.

I call that a Mammy Win. 💪💞💪
Tell me it’s not just me?

Tell me your cars are awfully dirty and messy and that you could lose a small dog in the chaos of the backseat?🐕
Hope you all had a Super Sunday. Not bad for November is it? 😂😂
Goodnight my Lovelies.
(Ps. I got a few messages today asking where I got the mustard top I wore last night.

Asda. 

£12. 

I shit you not. ❤❤)
Can you guess which one is His? 👇👇👇

I am Suspicious smell Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, toddlers, wine by

​FINALLY.

My arse is on a seat.
I WANT to say I’m cosied up in my PJs for the foreseeable future, with the remote to the androidy yoke, a large glass of bubbles and scented candles…
I HAVE to say I’m sitting down for 5 minutes to say hello to you before I start to tidy this bombsite and start dinner.

 The PJs are not on yet as that would require me going into the hall which might lead to the awakening of the monsters and frankly, I’d rather work on deepening the red track of the jeans around my belly! 

 Even with my obvious ninja stealth and carefully choreographed movement, those two are trained to pick up on ANY sound from the hall in the first 20 minutes of slumber. The hall is a NoGo area for another 17 minutes.  😪😪😪
 Scented candles?  The only scent I’m getting is a suspicious “pong du puke”. 

I have no idea where it’s coming from, but there is definitely a pungent whiff eminating from some crevice or hidden burp-cloth or lost bib…
I was delighted today to get a text from my friend to say that her husband had taken their Princess swimming, only for said Princess to shit in the swimnappy and by proxy, in the swimsuit.  💩💩💩

The lovely chemicals in the water created some sort of spontaneous combustion and altered the physical state of said shit into a consistency that babywipes could do nothing but slide over.  Hence her message ended with the words:

“He’s just text to run a bath because they’re both clattered in poo!”💩

I can not TELL you the JOY I got from reading this.   (Joy and obviously utter entertainment!)

After a week of purple plops of that same babywipe defying consistency, it made me happy to know that somewhere out there, another parent was dealing with the same shit…literally. 😂😂
And isn’t that the best thing about this interweb and these parenting blogs? That we can realise that

1. We’re not mental

2. We’re completely normal

3. Other people think and go through the same as us

4. There’s nothing wrong with sometimes asking for help, or admitting you’re scared, or crying.

5. Many other Mummies and Daddies need…sorry, like…wine and Gin and there’s a possibility that youre not actually a raving alcoholic.  You’re just a parent.

6. There is no manual and there is no perfect parent.  If you feed them and love your kids, you’re doing great.

7. Sometimes, being a parent is lonely.

8. Most times, being a parent is AWESOME.
Mini-Me has become obsessed with a new book.  MY 1ST ENCYCLOPEDIA.

Tonight I learned that: 

♡ There was a dinosaur bigger than a T-Rex called Gigantasaurus.  I did not know that.  I shit you not.

♡We also learned that your heart beeps and the skin keeps all of yoir blood from falling out.

♡We learned that Neptune is the coldest planet but the smarties who wrote the book are not geniuses like my daughter, because they forgot to include the fact that that is where the PENGUINS LIVE. 

DUMBASSES. 😂😂😂
On another note.

Phase 1 of #operationskinnyarse ended today.  For anyone who isn’t interested, have a great Friday and click away now…😚

…but for anyone who is interested, I’ve lost 9lb and 11cm off my waist in 6 weeks.

I’m just delighted with that and that’s all that matters. 🐮

I share simply to show that the determination and stubbornness that I gave my girls can sometimes help me as well as drive me fricken crazy.😂

(And I suppose I should thank The Him 👤 and hims Jim for helping me to get a good start on getting my sass back. Bring on phase 2!)
So to celebrate, I am going to have some bubbles.

They’re full of air which has like, no calories, so it’s grand!

Phase 2 starts tomorrow!
Hope you all have a fab Friday night.  

Feel free to share any exciting plans you might have… I’m off to find where this stink of puke is coming from. IT’S FECKIN HONKIN!
Over and Out! 💖💖💖

I am Slightly Grumpy Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, technology, toddlers, wine by

​Well the Princess has found two things this morning…

1. Her temper

2. Her voice.
She has just spent 21 minutes shouting defiance and protest at being put down for her nap.  She was so completely knackered but we have to give her credit for her determination and stubborness.  It was like getting that one friend who claims they’re “not dhrunk” to lie down and go to sleep.  She is currently collapsed in a heap in the cot, bum in the air, face planted on the drool soaked mattress. 

Headstrong stubborn little fart.

She’s so like The Him.👤😂
Meanwhile, in the peaceful and quiet kitchen, the red lights on the screaming moniter have desisted, I am FINALLY eating breakfast and Mini-Me is earning her keep by sorting through the bottomless underwear box. Have to teach them values and responsibilities don’t we? (It has NOTHING to do with the fact that I HATE THAT JOB!)

She is fablis. 💖💖


The Him👤 has buggered off to town to buy himself a new right arm.  His old one broke yesterday.

Its screen has decided to go to an eternal sleep and so his access to the virtual reality that he needs so badly is gone.  So it’s off to “RightArm Warehouse” with him so that the pain subsides and the colour returns to his ashen, sickly face. 😡

After watching him try in vain for 2 hours to revive my old banished i-phone, I eventually screamed at him to go buy a new fricken right arm before I shoved one of the right arms he had dismantled somewhere unspeakable, where it would get even more broken than it already is. 😡😡😡

If only health insurance covered the loss of one’s right arm…

I had plans to do lots of fun stuff today, but my brain or wardrobe weren’t quite prepared for FECKIN NOVEMBER, so I’m refusing point blank to leave the house.

Instead, I’m going to have a relaxing day at home.🐖🐷😂

Yeah.

Relaxing my arse. 

The washing basket is puking in the corner and I need to find the floor in our bedroom, because it’s gone missing.
If any of my dear not-just-FB-friends fancy calling for coffee, feel free…but don’t bother unless you bring chocolate.

 Or cake.

Or chocolate cake. 🎂🍩🍰

(See how Mammy knows that it’s WAAAAAY too early for grape-juice? Clever Mammy.)
I might be a grumpy cow 🐄🐮today… do I sound grumpy?😂

Might need more coffee… 😪😪😪