I am Smile for the dentist Mum

“Mammy. MAMMY. Da dentist came to school today.”
“Oh how lovely. Very good darling.”
“I gotted a noo toofbwush and EVERYFING,”
“Excellent!”
“And da dentist says we have to bwush our teef TWICE a day. After Breakfast and JUST before bed so we have fresh mouvs going to sleep…”
(Mmmmmmhmmmmm. Just what Mammy’s been saying for years.)

“Yes Sweetie. That is right!”
“We has to bwush our teef after EVERY time we eat you know. Sh-very important.”
“No sweetheart, you don’t brush them EVERY time you eat” (And considering that you, like your Mammy, have your arse sticking out of the fridge every 5 minutes, we’d have to hang your toothbrush on a necklace and stick a tube of toothpaste up your sleeve.)
“NO MAMMY. DA DENTIST SAID EVERY single TIME. And she is de BOSS of teef.”

Pulling into Granny’s, I have a feeling I’m going to want to hurt this dentist by bedtime.
Granny has a cuppa poured, digestive in her hand…

“Noooooooooo GWANNY STOOOOOOOOP!”
Granny drops the biscuit and almost scalds herself with the tea, such is the ferocity of Mini-Me’s scream. πŸ˜‚

“What is it?” gasps poor Granny.
“No BISCUITS. Biscuits are BAAAAD for your teef!”
I swear to God Ladies. There aren’t enough words to describe that panicked, innocent wee face; the fear and terror that Granny was about to eat a digestive was genuine.. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Enter Granda.

Poor, unsuspecting Granda!

“Ooooh pour me a cuppa” he says, reaching for a biscuit…
“GRANDA NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She scares the proverbial out of him too! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

“What what what what?”
Biscuits will make your teef fall out. You can NEVER EAT BISCUITS AGAIN.”
Now it’s Granda’s face that is priceless. πŸ˜€

And so you can imagine how the rest of the evening went…
She has brushed her teeth 5 times since 4pm.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
And she refused to do a pee before bed, because apparently da dentist says “Brush your teeth and go STRAIGHT to bed, Mammy, so I don’t have time for a pee. Sowwy.” 😭😭😭
I’m quite unsure about how long this little fad will last…

Possibly until the first time she’s offered some chocolate! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰
Why is it that it takes a complete stranger to get them to believe the stuff WE’VE been telling them everyday since they were born?
I wonder if we sent the school a list of things we need the minions to start doing, would they arrange a series of visitors? You know, like someone who likes to eat vegetables? Or someone who likes to go straight to sleep? Ooooooh, or a waitress? Or a cleaner? Or a laundry Lady?
What profession or job would you ask them to send in?
Let me know.

Oh! Β Mind you don’t choke on your biscuit there!
AAAAAAAAAAAND smile! πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†
πŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺπŸͺ

​I am “Small Sausages, Big Smiles” Mum

.

Now I know that most LAYDEEEEEEEZ might not associate the words “Small Sausages” with “Big Smiles”…(yes…I said it. You thought it ya dirty hallions!) but today, I do! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Because today, something as silly and simple as Small Sausages did indeed make me smile. πŸ˜†πŸ˜†
After school/work, we were having some quality mother/daughter time where I was teaching my girls VERRRRRRY important life skills in an edumacational and sensory-stimulating  environment.

 (Yes.  We were in Penneys… life skills I tell you.)
With Mini-Me COMPLETELY knackered after school and Princess CHEWING on ANYTHING or ANYONE who got close enough to her,  I was slightly stressed. 
 I carried Princess AND the shopping bags around, while pushing the feckin pram. Mini-Me was complaining about EVERYTHING, providing a CONSTANT soundtrack in protest to my obvious cruelty and I was up to my tits with “the looks” from innocent bystanders in the Shopping Centre who had to endure our NOISE.
THEN, I almost had a complete MENTAL FREAK OUT on a shop owner who tried to tell me they “Don’t do refunds on ANYTHING” when I tried to return a dress that was store-damaged. 
Little Miss Continuous Soundtrack takes the volume it up a notch just to make sure that MY slightly raised volume doesn’t surpass hers, Princess’s new tooth is causing her to be the crankiest cretur ever and she’s now joined in the song of protest in support of her sister and I’m pretty sure that the shop owner is beginning to realise that she is about to bare the brunt of an epic S-Mum bolloking. (Or possibly, my two little shebitcheepoos are genuinely terrifying her?)
Shop Policy bent just this once.  

Really?

Oh thank you.  Shall I grovel in thanks because you’ve, you know…adhered to the fecking LAW that allows  me to return faulty goods? 

Eh no.

Seriously…  πŸ˜‘😲😑😲😑😲
I’d had enough! Enough of the noise and the protests and the CRYING and the NONSENSE Dumbass “Shop Policy” and the snotters and my face being chewed and the … you get the picture.

It was time to leave. 😣
I was either going to cry, or get arrested. 

Being arrested would possibly have resulted in some Me-time in a small quiet space… at that particular moment, it wasn’t the WORST thing that could have happened! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
We headed for the car and THEN the worst thing DID happen.

I remembered I had to go to the butchers. πŸ˜₯
And that was where the Lovely man with the Small Sausages saved the feckin day! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
I’m ordering chicken and mince.
Mini-Me has stopped crying but is still talking at the top of her voice about ANYTHING.
“MAMMY LOOK AT ALL THE SAUSAGES,”

“We’re getting chicken pet.”

“MAMMY I JUST WUUUUUUB SAUSAGES”.

“No sausages today. Mammy’s buying chicken.”

“OH MAMMY LOOOOOOK! LOOK AT THE BABY SAUSAGES! Aren’t they SOOOOOOO CUTE?” 😣

(Butcher is laughing.)

“Hewooooo Witto SAUSAGES.  AW they’re sooooo cute Mammy…”
And then ANGEL MAN, who is finishing putting my order into the bag, did the NICEST THING EVER.
He lifted a dozen of the cute sausages into a bag, tied it and handed it to her as a present.🌟🌟🌟
Small Sausages, Big Smiles…

For both of us.  
I had the HAPPIEST little lady skip along side me to the car, where Princess FINALLY took a nap and my blood pressure reduced rapidly.
So there you go.

The smallest act of kindness to a dishevelled SuperMum really does have a huge impact.
Never underestimate the power of kindness.
And Thank youπŸ’™ to the lovely ButcherπŸ‘€ if he ever reads this. 
Sometimes, even Small sausages can make a Mamma smile! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜…πŸ˜‰πŸ˜…

#littlethings #mummyblogger #kindness #stressedoutmamma #thepowerofsausages

I am Stupid teething Mum

S-Mum Β is VERRRRRY tired.

Princess had her first restless night in ages. Stupid teeth. 😠😠 The wee dote had a raging temperature all night and would have sucked the full tube of bonjella had I let her. Β She’s up since 6am and has the dirtiest big red spot on her wee cheek.

It’s now 7am.

She’s on her second dribble bib.

I’m on my second coffee.

Mini-Me was exactly the same when she was teething: temperature, spot, tooth.

In that order.

Every time.

Isn’t it terrible that getting something as simple as teeth can be so bloody sore on them? 😩😩
Meanwhile, The Him is enroute to some foreign county to climb over walls and run around a field full of mud with his buddies from Jim. Β They’ll wade through rivers, crawl under electric wires and clamber over obstacles, getting muck in places that muck should NEVER be. I’m not even going to bother cleaning the bathroom today because he’ll be leaking magic muck from his pores for the next week anyway.

In fairness, it’s all for charity and I’m sure they’ll have a ball.πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ
He’ll land home tonight acting as if he’s John Mc-feckin-Clane, having saved the state in Die Hard 19, covered in manly scratches and dirt, flopping onto the sofa and expecting a round of applause and a beer.

And praise indeed he shall get… as long as he arrives home with a Prawn Balti from Chilli Shaker.

If he brings naan bread, I might even run him a bath.

If he brings wine, I’ll cheer and shout “Yippeekayeeey Mother Fucker!” at him every 5 minutes until Wednesday.
But now, I’m off to put a collection of teethers and carrots in the fridge. Β Yes carrots. Β Have you ever guven a teethung child a big, chilled, peeled carrot to gnaw on? They LOVE IT! Obviously it needs to be thick so their wee gummies cant bite a bit off, but it’s great. Β Especially when the tooth is almost through.)

Then I’m going to put on my glittery shoes and go shopping.

Shopping list so far:πŸ‘‡

Calpol.

Neurofen.

Teetha granules.

Bonjela.

Gin…

Have a Sassy Saturdays Bitcheepooooos 😎😎