Secrets.
As parents we have sooooo many things that we keep from our kids for as LONG as possible. There are so many truths and realities that we try our hardest to keep from their little eyes and ears. As time goes by, it seems that our children’s innocence about all things “real life” is being tarnished earlier and earlier. As parents, we cringe at the thought of the moment when they suddenly ask a particular question, or learn about particular things.
We hope we won’t have to face awkward truths like puberty, sex, the birds and the bees, death etc…until they’ve reached a certain, more appropriate age, where we know that they’ll be able to digest whatever information it is. 😐
But the FIRST TRUTH that we must deal with happens soooooo much earlier than I’d EVER anticipated.
And it isn’t for the sake of our children that we try to keep it a secret…
Oh no no no no no noooooo!
It’s ALL for the sake of the Mammies and Daddies. It’s completely selfish on our parts and it’s completely necessary.
Because the longer we can make it before they realise that the dreaded, awful, ride-on, money eating, monstrocities in the shopping centres MOVE IF YOU PUT MONEY INTO THEM, the better for EVERYONE. 😂😂
These little fuckers are the enemy of the Mammy. They are EVERYWHERE. They ESPECIALLY like to lurk at the exits of shopping centres or venues, so that they can lure our minions to their daft, bulgy eyed, smiling faces just as we are trying to get them out of the place. The Peppa Pork ones are the spawn of these Devils. Even before our minions know they can MOVE, the oversized (and frankly quite creepy) cartoon characters are plague. Princess can’t say many words but “Paaapaaaaaa” is as clear as a fecking bell when she sees the stupid pink fecker. 😐😐
But as long as they don’t know these things MOVE, life remains safe and normal and manageable. We can distract them from the primary-coloured puke fest and carry on easily enough. Once they know that they MOVE, however, the proverbial starts hitting the fan and the coins start hitting the dust.
If 99% of Mammies KNOW instinctively that showing them that these yoks move is a BAD IDEA, HOW do they ever figure it out?
Three ways…
1. They spot another child on them, smiling and weeeeeeeing to their heart’s content and they realise. And then, Game Over Mamma. You lose. 😂
2. Daddies… Because Daddies don’t view these feckers with the same reason or ration that Mammies do. Daddies don’t think of the longterm effects. Daddies don’t UNDERSTAND the turmoil and torture and tantrums they can cause! 😭 WE see them as torture equipment. Daddies see them as 30 seconds of fun to distract their little ones and themselves. (And they NEVER last more than 30 seconds do they?) 😂😂
3. Grannies/Grandas: Because they FORGET why they NEVER ALLOWED US on them when we were kids and suddenly see them as another way to be cool and wonderful and “the bestest!” 😂😂😂
And once the minions KNOW that these mechanical gobshites MOVE, life is never the same again. They are armed with this knowledge that changes everything. They see things differently.
To the Mammies whose minions are still immune to the disease that is the ride-on yok, enjoy every second. Enjoy the innocence. Enjoy the secret and keep it from them for as long as you can. 😂😂
To the rest of us… may the odds be ever in your favour and may there be an alternative door you can use to get out of that shopping centre.😥😥
And to the creators of and instellers of them, may your nightmares be filled with rocking Peppas and smiling trains, choochooing around your head…all…fecking…night. 😂😂😂
👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

Category Archives: children
I am Starfish Mum
Today is Memory Monday.
I had a savage blast from the past this week Ladybelles. 💗
On my Instafeed, there popped up a beautiful photograph of a friend’s beautiful wee babby.
Nothing unusual there?
But I felt like a truck had hit me.
Why?
Because the perfect little one was wearing a hip harness and suddenly I was back 5 and a half years, remembering things that I haven’t thought about in, well, 5 and a half years.
Mini-Me wore the same little hip harness for 9 weeks. Her hip dysplasia was diagnosed when she was just 24 hours old. A student doctor spotted it, and within a few hours, she’d been fitted into the contraption that would (and thankfully did) fix her little hips.
She’d been breach from 28 weeks in my womb and was born by C-Section, folded in half with her left leg up against her left ear. Her wee ear was bent forward, that’s how crushed over she’d been! (I remember laughing because the Furbaby came to us with a floppy left ear too. The things that go through your head eh? 😂😂)
But anyway, in the space of a 10 minute examination, everything changed. Now, in hindsight, we know we were soooooo lucky.
We were lucky that the student Doctor had been invited to check her. The Doctor had missed it. We were lucky that the hospital had one of the little harnesses in stock, so she didn’t have to wait in pain. We were lucky in that she responded well and after 9 weeks, we got the bad old harness off. We were lucky as no surgery was required, and apart from a little phase of physio until she was 2, no follow up action was required. She didn’t walk until she was 20 months. In hindsight, I should have enjoyed that! Princess has been CLIMBING since 11 months and I’m feckin exhausted! 😂😂
It’s not a big deal. There are a million other things that we could have been told. There are a million parents who would tut at something as insignificant as hip dysplasia. In the scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing that will happen. And yet, when I saw this photograph, I was over run by emotions and memories that as I spoke to The Him, I realised that I have pushed to the back of my brain.
And like everything to do with parenting, when it happens to your baby, to you, regardless of how seemingly small the issue is, it’s still your issue and it’s still horrible to deal with.
I was sitting there with my seemingly perfect little girl. and then we were the parents who had to learn how to hold her. Who had to deal with not being able to bathe her ourselves. Who had to explain why she looked like a wee starfish (so cute). Who got sympathetic looks from people when we were out and about.
None of the clothes she got could go on her. She didn’t FIT into the car seat we’d bought for her. When she had a poonami, she couldn’t be washed properly. Her skin was chaffed and raw where the harness rubbed constantly. She was restrained, just when she should have been free to kick and feel.
Of course, we figured out ways to deal with all of these little problems quickly. The staff in LUH were fantastic. The moment the Doctor pulled her wee legs back and strapped them into the harness, she let a huge sigh out of her and fell asleep instantly. She slept for 6 hours straight. She had been in so much pain up until then. Every time I had changed her nappy, I had wondered why she was screaming. Then I suddenly knew and ironically, it was that realisation of her pain that softened the blow for us. So we did what all parents do. We pulled ourselves together and got on with it and where we couldn’t shower her with water, we showered her with kisses. 😘😘

Yes it was horrid. Of course it was hard, as a first time Mammy especially, to suddenly have everything change. My expectations shifted. My visions of nightly bath routines and pretty outfits went quickly out the window, but we got on with it.
And in hindsight, it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Except that it obviously was more upsetting for me than I gave myself credit for. The photograph brought back so many memories, good and bad. It got us talking about our little Mini-Me and those few weeks.
And it made me wonder why I’ve never thought about it? Why I’ve never thought to write about it? Why have I put it all so far away into my mind? I have no idea. I was so relieved the day that the consultant took the harness off her. And once the physio told us that she was developing just fine, slowly but fine, I cried with joy.
The day that I saw the photograph of my lovely friend’s little starfish, My Mini-Me had won the sack race in the school sport’s day and was on stage dancing that night. And so my memory flashes were short-lived and my next reaction was that I needed to tell my friend that it will all be worth it. That it’s a good thing that it was detected early. That it’ll be off before she knows it. I told her the little tricks that we found, like using emulsifying ointment and light bandages to stop the skin chaffing. Like putting light tights for age 3-4 over her wee legs and how she can still put on pretty dresses.
But most importantly, that it’s completely fine that she’s finding it difficult to deal with or to feel upset, because there is no Blue Peter Badge for brave Mammies and Daddies and sometimes, shit things happen.😳
But thankfully, in our case anyway, things were and are fine. (Look at how cute our little Starfish was! It was actually hard to get used to needing 2 hands to hold her after the harness came off!) She is sine and my friend’s little one will be too
So there we go. Have to be serious sometimes you know!?.
Has anyone else dealt with hip dysplasia? Do you have any tips or advice that you’d like to share below for my friend or any other Mama who might be dealing with it right now? Please share or PM me if you’d rather not be identified.
Hope you all had a lovely day. 💙💙💙💙
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am Setting her in the Car Mum
Have you ever wondered what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? 😭😭
Let me show you. 👇👇👇
Imagine the inner monologues of the Mammy and the Princess…😂
Mammy: “I shall gently set my perfect little Princess into her car seat and strap her in securely and we shall be on our merry way to continue the 287 errands I am trying to get done before we pick Mini-Me up. I am a very organised and clever Mammy who has ALL of my shit together and can not be stopped by anything today. I shall put Princess into the car and drive to my next destination without any issue.”
Princess: “Will you feck Wench…”
Mammy: “I am in charge. I am a strong Lady. I shall NOT be controlled by a wobbler.”
Princess : “How’s that going for you Woman?”
Mammy: “Oh how strong you are my Little Princess. Not to worry. I WILL get you into the carseat. I AM in charge. I am strong. I am in control.”
Princess: “You are a twit. I can do this ALL DAY Bitch.”
Mammy “Why are you so strong, you stubborn little fart?”
Princess “Where do you think I get it from?”
Mammy “FML”
How was YOUR day? Any little planks? 😭😭
Have you found me on Facebook yet? Daily smumbles @the.s.mum xx
I am Some Fruit and Cake Mum
What a FABLIS and slightly smug Mammy I am.
See picture 1. 👇👇👇

My minions are eating fruit. Like, REAL fruit. Fresh and actual fruit. 🍉🍌🍅🍓🍎🍏🍌And what’s MOST impressive is that they ASKED Granny for it… themselves. Yes. Eating fruit. Voluntarily and happily, on top of their very impressed Uncle Brian, after eating ALL of their respective dinners.
Proud Mammy.
Good Mammy.
“Ooooooh” I hear you gasp in awe, “How did you get them to eat all of their dinners S-Mum, you Wonderwoman Extraordinaire?”
Well, the trick is in the second photograph. 👇👇👇👇 😆😆

Cake.
They knew that if they didn’t eat all of their dinner, they wouldn’t be allowed any of the MAHOOOOOOOSIVE eleventy billion layered, schawipple-chocolate, monstrous birthday cake that Clever Mammy sneakily Showed Them BEFORE dinner! 😂😂😂
Yes.
Clever Mammy.
Bad Mammy.
Good Mammy… etc etc…
And so the fruit was requested yes, but about 90 minutes AFTER they’d come down from the sugar high induced by the chocolate cake!
But still.
They ate fruit.
And they also ate chocolate cake.
Now, if I were a Sanctimammy, I would ONLY have posted photograph 1. You know? To show how “perfect” and on top of this parenting shit I am.
But I am not perfect.
I like my kids to eat fruit. (Real fruit 😅😅)
But Golly do I also enjoy the looks on their wee faces when Granny tells them to go ahead and stick all of their fingers into a big chocolate cake!
And now, I’m going to ring the Birthday Boy and tell him to drop me over another slice before the salivating ruins my screen here… 😅😅
Happy “No uniforms Sunday” Bitches.
(Mammy’s turn for fruit now. 😘😘😘)
#nocapsulesaroundhere #realfruitonly #letthemeatcake
PS. If you have the tellybox on, stick it over to #OneLoveManchester I’m notnsure who many of these people are, but what a show so far. And if THAT is who our little girls aspire to, I’m happy.) 💗💗
How terrible I am.
How truly awful and immature I am.
Today, Mini-Me ate chucken.
My long time followers will know that Mini-Me decided recently that she “HATES chucken,”🐓 so imagine my surprise when I found her happily devouring not 1, not 2, but THREE Chucken fingers earlier today.
I’m not sure if it was because Her Uncle Daniel cooked them for her, instead of Mammy who obviously tries to poison her every mealtime by even SUGGESTING chucken, or because her cousins were eating them, declaring them to be yummy! 😐😐
It MIGHT have been SOMETHING to do with the fact that she THOUGHT they were “fushfungers”… 😂
I was about to ask her if she was enjoying her chicken, when she piped up “Uncle Daniel, these Fushfungers are yummy!” 😂
I didn’t correct her.
I offered her another one and told her what a good girl she was… and then I laughed and laughed and laughed. 😂😂😂

Yup.
Terrible and awful I am, but terribly funny and awfully satisfying it was! 😂😂
Bad Mammy…
I’m going straight to hell.
But that is OK as all of my friends will already be there and the grapes shall always be warm. 😈😈😂😂
How was your day?
🐓🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔
