I am She flipped the Bird Mum

Posted in Uncategorized by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Sweet Jebus and Baby Japonica of the Netherregions, I may actually vomit from laughing tonight.
The photograph below might seem terrible and offensive. The photograph I SHOULD post with this post, WOULD be terrible and offensive, because it SHOULD have my beautiful 5 year old in it instead of me. 😣

Let me explain…
Mini-Me is a picker. She LOVES to pick things, but she especially loves to pick her fecking nails.
Now, this is a habit that is becoming a problem. She has the nails so picked down that they are barely even nails anymore; more like extended cuticles. I am at my wit’s end.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve explained. I’ve scolded. I’ve tried to talk to her. I’ve shouted. I’ve bought fidget spinners. I’ve tried to teach her how to click her fingers and on the advice of a kiddy O.T., shown her lots of alternative things to do with her fingers. I’ve tried everything. Blutac works, but only until it gets stuck in the carpet, or her hair, or until Princess tries ro eat it. 😂
So I’m now trying what EVERY Mamma resorts to in the end.
Blackmail.
I’ve told her that if she can get a white nail back on her 10 fingers, I’ll take her to my beautician to get her a glittery polish.
She’s trying soooooooooo hard. Soooooooo hard in fact, that tonight when I mentioned that her nails were still very sore looking and that I can’t wait to see them qhen they get longer, she ran across the room at me, eyes bulging in her head, shouting with excitement “But LOOOOKIT Mammy! I DOOOOOOO have one white nail on DIS HAND, LOOK!”
And it was clear to see that on her MIDDLE finger, there is a tiny slither of white appearing.
I almost died.
Trying so hard not to buckle laughing in front of her, I managed to praise her and tell her it looks so much stronger and that it’ll soon be time to go to get them polished.
She skipped off to show Princess (yup. Finger up into her wee face!) shouting behind her “I can’t WAIT to show Granny my nail tomorrow!” (Granny, you’ve been warned…😂😂)
So IF we meet you out and about over the weekend and my Darling Mini-Me “flips you the bird” or whatever you’d like to call it, please know that it is VEWY innocent and not at ALL because she sees it at home. I may swear like a sailer, but I would NEVER do this in front of her, (well, not to her FACE anyway!😂😂)
So I hope you understand why I chose to stage the pic? As much of a Feck-it-up as I may sometimes be as a Mammy, I’m NOT quite THAT bad.

Not yet anyway!
Now, decisions.
Red or white? Glass or bottle?
How was your day?

😂😂😂😂

21Jun2017

I am Secrets Mum

Posted in children, family, parenting, Uncategorized by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Secrets.
As parents we have sooooo many things that we keep from our kids for as LONG as possible. There are so many truths and realities that we try our hardest to keep from their little eyes and ears. As time goes by, it seems that our children’s innocence about all things “real life” is being tarnished earlier and earlier. As parents, we cringe at the thought of the moment when they suddenly ask a particular question, or learn about particular things.
We hope we won’t have to face awkward truths like puberty, sex, the birds and the bees, death etc…until they’ve reached a certain, more appropriate age, where we know that they’ll be able to digest whatever information it is. 😐
But the FIRST TRUTH that we must deal with happens soooooo much earlier than I’d EVER anticipated.
And it isn’t for the sake of our children that we try to keep it a secret…
Oh no no no no no noooooo!
It’s ALL for the sake of the Mammies and Daddies. It’s completely selfish on our parts and it’s completely necessary.
Because the longer we can make it before they realise that the dreaded, awful, ride-on, money eating, monstrocities in the shopping centres MOVE IF YOU PUT MONEY INTO THEM, the better for EVERYONE. 😂😂
These little fuckers are the enemy of the Mammy. They are EVERYWHERE. They ESPECIALLY like to lurk at the exits of shopping centres or venues, so that they can lure our minions to their daft, bulgy eyed, smiling faces just as we are trying to get them out of the place. The Peppa Pork ones are the spawn of these Devils. Even before our minions know they can MOVE, the oversized (and frankly quite creepy) cartoon characters are plague. Princess can’t say many words but “Paaapaaaaaa” is as clear as a fecking bell when she sees the stupid pink fecker. 😐😐
But as long as they don’t know these things MOVE, life remains safe and normal and manageable. We can distract them from the primary-coloured puke fest and carry on easily enough. Once they know that they MOVE, however, the proverbial starts hitting the fan and the coins start hitting the dust.
If 99% of Mammies KNOW instinctively that showing them that these yoks move is a BAD IDEA, HOW do they ever figure it out?
Three ways…
1. They spot another child on them, smiling and weeeeeeeing to their heart’s content and they realise. And then, Game Over Mamma. You lose. 😂
2. Daddies… Because Daddies don’t view these feckers with the same reason or ration that Mammies do. Daddies don’t think of the longterm effects. Daddies don’t UNDERSTAND the turmoil and torture and tantrums they can cause! 😭 WE see them as torture equipment. Daddies see them as 30 seconds of fun to distract their little ones and themselves. (And they NEVER last more than 30 seconds do they?) 😂😂
3. Grannies/Grandas: Because they FORGET why they NEVER ALLOWED US on them when we were kids and suddenly see them as another way to be cool and wonderful and “the bestest!” 😂😂😂
And once the minions KNOW that these mechanical gobshites MOVE, life is never the same again. They are armed with this knowledge that changes everything. They see things differently.
To the Mammies whose minions are still immune to the disease that is the ride-on yok, enjoy every second. Enjoy the innocence. Enjoy the secret and keep it from them for as long as you can. 😂😂
To the rest of us… may the odds be ever in your favour and may there be an alternative door you can use to get out of that shopping centre.😥😥
And to the creators of and instellers of them, may your nightmares be filled with rocking Peppas and smiling trains, choochooing around your head…all…fecking…night. 😂😂😂
👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

31May2017

I am Sentence Smell Mum

Posted in blog, family, parenting, Uncategorized by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

We’re all about the senses here at S-Mumble Hill today.
Princess’s favourite sense is TASTE. She’s quite like me really. She loves to eat… Her CONSTANT eating is becoming a problem however.

Why?

Because it’s becoming difficult to get her backside out of the cupboard or off the kitchen chair long enough to GO ANYWHERE or DO ANYTHING! I used to worry about leaving the house without nappies in the bag. Now, I break out in a cold sweat if I realise that I forgot to put a banana or fruit in it.

Her most used word each day is “Muh, muh, muuuuuUUUUUHHH!” (More, more, mooooooore!)

Mammy went for Sense of TOUCH. I decided to listen to my hairdresser and buy some Argan Oil for my dry hair. As I rubbed the 3-4 drops through my wet hair, my sense of touch informed me that it wasn’t quite enough, and so I slabbered a big dollop of the oil between my palms and rubbed it through my hair. Then, I dried it…or tried to. Because, no matter how much I blasted the hair with the dryer, it remained heavy and moist and shiny.

I bunged on my baseball cap as I didn’t have time to wash it and headed on into town, like an uberskank, and of course met EVERYONE I know in the space of 30 minutes. If I squeezed my hair there’d be enough oil to make chips… which would be quite handy if Fudgeybum gets hungry again.

And then, on our way home, Mini-Me announces “Mammy someone’s spreading Slurry!”

Indeed there was slurry.

“Slurry is the Irish for Poo you know Mammy?” (Eh…no, it’s not actually.)

“I KNOW that it’s Slurry, because I have a good SENTENCE SMELL, you know?”

“Of course you do Darling…”

And Mammy used her other sense, her COMMON sense, and changed the conversation…

11May2017

I am “Sit on my knee” Mum

Posted in blog, family, poetry by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

“On my Knee.”
Today you are poorly,

My precious wee lamb.

Today you need Mammy

And right here I am.
I’ll sit right beside you

I’ll rub your wee toes

I’ll clean up your mess and

I’ll wipe your wee nose.
I’ll kiss all your fingers and

rub your wee face

I’ll not give a damn about

the state of this place.
I’ll cuddle and snuggle you,

I’ll let you complain

You don’t understand

this feeling of pain.

To see you feel poorly

It breaks Mammy’s heart.

I’d take every ounce of it,

every last part,

To make you feel better,

To make you feel fine,

I wish with my essence that

the sickness was mine.

And whether you’re sniffly,

or puking or hot,

You’ll sleep right on top of me,

not in the cot.

And yes this is minor

and yes you’ll be fine

But I am your Mammy

And your pain is mine.

So today, there are so many

things I should do,

But none of those things,

as important as you.

The world won’t stop turning

if I stay here with you,

Some days I’m just “Mammy”

Cos only Mammy will do.

So cuddle your Mammy,

Just sit on my knee,

When you need your Mammy,

right here I will be.
xxx Mammy xxx

26Sep2016

I am Sometimes I need my Mamma Mum 😚

Posted in blog, children, family by Maria Rushe - Blogger and Writer

Sometimes, S-Mum needs her Mamma too. 👭
This evening I HAD TO stay at Mum’s for a few hours after work.
See my driveway was full of lorries and diggers and workmen. It looked like the opening of “Fraggle Rock”, so I was FORCED to pop in to hers for an hour…or three!
She drank tea.🍵

I drank coffee.☕

We ate cake…(Seriously guys, she is THE BEST BAKER in the world. Click onto Cakes by Ann to see!)🍰
She cooked dinner.

Princess rearranged ALL of her cupboards.

Mini-Me provided a moment of immense achievement for Techy-Granny as her demands for Inside-Out caused Granny to figure out how to work the Brother’s Playstation as a DVD player!

I am in AWE of this woman.

I wouldn’t even know where the on switch is.😅
And then, I brought my Minions home and we have just had the most suspiciously calm and ordinary bedtime EVER…
This morning however?
This morning was not so calm.😭😭😭
We slept in.

I had NOTHING DONE before bed last night, because the smug TIT that is S-Mum had planned the usual 5.30am start and didn’t consider ironing uniforms or making lunches before bed. Clever Mummy.
We were running on the dodgy side of late.

I dropped Princess next door, realised I’d forgotten her dummies (not just 1 for my ruined rascal!), jumped back into the car to grab them from the house, spun the car BACK AROUND because of Big Digger SUDDENLY BLOCKING my driveway, ran back into Mum’s, kissed the Baby and apologised profusely for lack of dummies, jumped back in car, remembered I’d forgotten her bibs and FINALLY started on our journey to school…feeling UTTERLY FRICKEN USELESS! 😂
Mini-Me THANKFULLY announced that she wanted Quiet time, so I allowed myself to be soothed back into a more positive vibe with the familiar soothing tones of Donal K on the radio machine…
My train of thought followed this track:

“Snap out of it S-Mum.

You forgot her dummies, not her.

She’ll be fine.

Mum will get one from some magical place and Princess will not even know what a shit Mammy you are.

This is NOT a problem…

The S-Mum

…the superbly honest blog of a Thoroughly Modern Mammy

Tag Archives: children