Things I learned about the capabilities of my “Twoublemaker” today…
1. She can delete and uninstall apps on my phone much more effectively than I can.
2. She knows how to unlock my phone.
3. She knows how to lock my car.
I found THIS particular gem out today, when she locked it… while she and Mini-Me were IN it… and Mammy was NOT.
Sweet Jeebus Ladybelles. If ever there was something to make Mammy want a gin on a Monday night…
Have you ever thought about how something could happen, JUST as it happens? She had the keys in her hand, having swiped them out of my pocket as I strapped her in. I was on the other side of the car, strapping her sister into HER (hellfienduselesspieceofcrapthatitis) carseat and just as I closed the door, I remembered that Princess had the keys.
I swear to God, the 0.12 seconds it took my hand to go for the handle and for my brain to register that her LOCKING the fecking thing was even a possibility, were slow motion.
Just as I tried to pull it open, I heard the sound; the heavy, chunking clunking sound that told me that she had indeed locked the car.
“Faaaaaak, I’ve locked them in!” calls Mammy to no one in particular.
2 seconds later and I’m trying to get Mini-Me to unbuckle her straps and to get the keys off her Divil of a shitster. She’s trying to follow my instructions through the closed window and then I remember the guy who sold me the car a few weeks ago, saying something about an alarm.
And then it happens.
The alarm that is indeed standard in my yok, began to scream at me. Mini-me began to scream at me, and because she had just procured the keys from the culprit, Twoublemaker ALSO was screaming.
Mammy? Mammy wanted to scream, but instead Mammy remained very calm and talked Mini-Me through how to open the car, calmly and rationally like in a hostage negotiator… In MY head anyway. I possibly looked and sounded more like a a drunk Granny who’s losing at charades after Christmas dinner.
Anyway, by this stage 2 hours had passed. Or rather 23 second, but the owner of the playschool, and funnily enough my next door neighbour, had come running and so even if she hadn’t gotten the doors to pop, I’m pretty sure there would have been a crowbar or a hammer in hand quickly.
Once I heard the clunky chunky sound again, my two knees nearly went from under me in pure relief. I hugged Mini-me and told her how WONDERFUL she was and promised her treats and hot chocolate as a reward for saving the day.
Of course, when the adrenalin had left me, I also used it as an excuse to remind her “See how brilliant you are when you listen to Mammy and follow instructions? You are the BEST GIRL EVER!”
And yes, OF COURSE, Mammy learned a lesson other than that my car has an alarm.
I learned TWO lessons actually.
1. NEVER give a twoublemaker your car keys and
2. Maybe I should have listened to the salesman when he was going through the features of the car rather than wondering what I should wear to look uber FabMammy on my first day driving!
Smile and Nod.
Mammy must smile and nod…
Mammy is very good at the smiling and the nodding. 😆😶
“She’s the best girl. There’s not a bother with her.” 💕
Every day I hear this. And the lovely Ladybelles who say it, mean it 100%.❤
And I smile and I nod and I agree, but as I do, my inner Mammy voice is laughing.
She is laughing hard.
So very hard.
On the outside, I Smile and Nod…
What I’m THINKING however, is “Let me tell you, as a Mammy with previous experience of a “Street Angel, House Devil”, that while she is indeed being ‘the Best Girl’ and giving you ‘Not a bother’ here all day, she is simply saving all of her energy for the Wilderbeastial Demonic Darling that she will morph into when I get her into the car.” 😈
It begins with her luring Mammy into a false sense of security with her displays of excitement as she runs into my arms when I arrive to collect her. Cue “Ooooooohs” and “Aaaaaaaahs” from all with ovaries in the room. She hugs and kisses and answers “Uhhuuuuu” in her adorable little husky voice as I carry her little Koala Bear Butt 🐨to the car. I breathe her in and sniff her sticky hair and coo at her, knowing full well that I may enjoy it while it lasts. 😂
Once in the car (maybe even before I get her strapped in if she’s feeling particularly thick with Mammy), her demeanour changes. Sometimes, it’s gradual, building up as we approach home, revving up with every gear change. Sometimes it’s instantaneous, spontaneous combustion because I’ve looked at her wrong, or asked her a question, or you know, breathed.
It escalates with a simple “No”.
Not just an utterance of negativity or disagreement. A proper, teenage “NO”, complete with attitude and challenge. When the “NO” is accompanied by the furrow of the brows, we know we are entering the beginning of the tantrum. 😣
By the time we reach home, my excitement at the thought of an evening at home with my Baby has been replaced by a devastation of the reality that ONCE AGAIN, I have NO control over the moods of my minion. Any notions I had of a picture perfect evening of #Mammywins have been left at the creche. And once again I remember, that I have NO idea what the hell I am doing.
I am winging this Mammy craic, 100fricken%. I’m scrambling my brain for tricks and clever Mammyisms that might avert the direction of the storm that is brewing in the back seat.
I throw promises around like a Politician before an Election.
“We’re going to have pizza for tea!”
“Will we play jigsaws when we get home?”
“I can’t wait to get snuggles when we get home!”
and eventually (yes always) “Will we watch Peppa?”
Mini-Me “Aw Maaaaaaaaaammy, not again!” (insert eye roll here)
Me “FML” (Probably under my breath. Maybe… Maybe SLIGHTLY audible. Bad Mammy.)😐😂
Parenting experts and friends with kids have explained to me many times in the past, that such behaviour is normal and that the child acting in such a manner is a “compliment” because she feels that she can finally release her frustrations and confusion at the world, in the arms of her favourite person. That I am her safe place and that it all means that she loves me.😶
SOME days, I buy this. Other days, I prefer to see it that she is a little wagon who actually HATES me and is determined to PUNISH her evil Mammy for abandoning her cute, bad-tempered little fudgeybutt to go to work. She sees me coming, smells the Mammy-guilt off me. After her initial “Oh there’s my Mammy” excitement, her mind goes straight to “Hang on a second. WHERE do you think YOU were all day Woman? Did you DARE to drink warm coffee and have adult conversations? Do you not know that YOU ARE MY SLAVE?” 😐
She has to fit 8 hours of reminding Mammy who is the BOSS, into a very short evening. And she must make sure that Mammy PAYS for leaving her at the Fablis and fun-filled creche, where she spends her days being loved and played with and fed and stimulated without the tellybox, and where she is the “best girl” and gives them all “not a bother”. She nevers bites or screams NOoooooooooooooo or kicks or throws custard or cries or scratches the lovely girls.
She saves that for Mammy Bear.
Because she loves me and I am special.
And apparently because I am her safe place. 😍😆
Right now, she is playing with sudocrem…but she’s no longer screeching at me, so we’ll roll with it.
Smiles and nods. 😙
“Peppa Pig is starting. I do like Peppa Pig. Oooooh. What is Mammy doing? I is a clever witto Princess. Look at Mammy. Mammy is hoovering. She is trying to make the room nice and tidy and she has lifted all of my toys. Wait a minute. Why has she lifted my toys? That is NOT vewy nice of Mammy is it? How can I let her know I am not a happy Wobbler? I could scweam and scweam and throw the toys out of the basket, but NO. I am NOT a cliche. I is a Pwincess. I don’t do fings by half. I am like my Mammy. I do it ALL. She will be so proud of me. Now, let me see. Oooooh! Lookit! Mammy is hoovering over there and she has left the door open over here. I like to run. Running is my Fayvwit. I shall run down the my bedwoom and wrestle Winnie da pooh. Daddy calls him Winnie da Shit, but my big sister got scolded when she sayd that so Pwincess is NOT going to say dat. Pwincess is clever. I like to run. OOoooooh LOOKIT! Oh. My. DOG! Mammy left the bafroom door open just for me. I must swing in to the bafwoom and see what I can do! What has Mammy left for me to play wif? Oh look! There is the white roll of baby wipes that they always put down the toilet. I shall put it down the toilet. I shall put ALL of it down the toilet. I is soooooo clever. Mammy will be so proud. Where is Mammy? Mammy is still hoovering. I have put all of the white stuff into the toilet. I will close the lid now and I will go see my Mammy. Mammy is now hoovering the kitchen. I come in and she says “Hello Darling. Are you OK?” and I nod and say my favourite word “Mmmmhmmmmm!” I will play wif my blo…ooooooh da BUM Cweam! SHE HAS WEFT THE BUM CWEAM ON THE TABLE! Mammy likes to put the bum bweam on her face. She never puts the bum cweam on MY face. I shall be just like Mammy. I shall put the Bum Cweam on my face and Mammy will be so pwoud. I am putting the bum cweam on my face. Mammy turns around and I KNOW she is happy because she is smiling. Oh. Now she is running. She must need the bum cweam. I hold it out to her and she takes it quickly. Snapping is not nice Mammy. Silly Mammy. Mammy is wiping the cweam off my face and she is cross. That is OK. It’s just a phase she is going through. She goes to put the hoover in the cupboard. I am climbing on to the chair. Mammy is calling my sister to come up for lunch. I am climbing onto the table. The big table. I am very fast. I am a big girl.
Mammy comes in and Mammy seems excited. She is screaming and saying some new words. I likes these words. She lifts me up and I am so high and I LOVE it so I giggle and put the bum cweam that is hiding on my hand all over Mammy’s face. She asks my Sister to go get her some toilet roll. She will be sooooo happy when she sees that I have already put it all into the toilet and so now she has less work to do. I like to run…
Peppa Pig is over already. What can I do now? I like to run. Time for a Poo. I am a clever witto Pwincess. Aren’t I a clever Pwincess? Isn’t my Mammy a lucky Mammy? I wonder where she left my Bum Cweam…”